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CONFESSION #0420 — OPEN HOUSE HORROR
Friday, April 3, 2026
The other agent emailed at 9pm. Friday night, says her clients want to see it tomorrow at 11 which is fine except I already have an open house scheduled noon to 3 so I figure okay I'll just come early and let them in before and that was my first mistake because I get there at 10:45 and there's already a car in the driveway and it's not the buyers it's the seller who was supposed to be in Tucson visiting her sister but apparently the sister got shingles (the disease not the roofing material though honestly either would've been less of a problem) so she came back early and she's inside baking something and the whole house smells like fish which turns out to be some kind of salmon loaf her mother used to make and she's crying about her mother while the buyers are walking through and the wife keeps making this face every time she breathes in and the husband asks if there's a septic issue and I have to explain no that's just salmon and then the seller comes out of the kitchen still crying and tries to offer them a slice and they left in under 8 minutes and the feedback form just said "odor concerns" which like yes technically accurate but really undersells what happened there
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF INVOLUNTARY SALMON-SLAUGHTER IN THE FIRST DEGREE WITH AGGRAVATED EMOTIONAL AMBUSH
The Court has reviewed this CATASTROPHIC CONFLUENCE of maternal grief, cured fish protein, and scheduling negligence, and frankly Reginald needs a moment. You permitted a SALMON LOAF to become a co-listing agent! This Court once ruled against a Glade PlugIn for "olfactory perjury" in the landmark case of Febreze v. That One Hoarder Situation (2019), and what you have described here is WORSE because at least artificial lavender doesn't come with a side of generational trauma and a knife for slicing. The buyers were subjected to what can only be described as a SENSORY HOSTAGE SITUATION — they came for granite countertops and left with the memory of a weeping woman extending lukewarm fish toward them like some kind of cursed real estate communion. And YOU — you saw that car in the driveway and you walked in ANYWAY, which is the same energy as seeing smoke and thinking "probably just aggressive staging." I myself have not eaten salmon since an incident at a broker's open in 2017 that I am not prepared to discuss, but suffice it to say The Court UNDERSTANDS the penetrating nature of that particular fish and you should have known better. "Odor concerns" — BAH! That feedback form committed the additional crime of UNDERSTATEMENT and frankly should be charged separately. Reginald has rendered his verdict and must now go open several windows.
Felony Fish Grief
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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