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CONFESSION #0425 — NEIGHBOR SABOTAGE
Saturday, April 4, 2026
She rejected the offer. Great. Fine. But then she calls me back two hours later asking why the neighbor's sprinkler system was running during the showing. I said I don't know, it's August, sprinklers run. She goes "It was pointed at my car. Directly at my car. My windows were down."
I drove over there. The sprinkler head was definitely... adjusted. Like manually repositioned. Pointing straight at the driveway where buyers park.
Seller tells me the neighbor's been doing stuff for months. Moved his trash cans to block the for sale sign. Lets his dog out exactly when showings start. The dog doesn't do anything, just sits there staring at people.
I asked the seller why he didn't mention this before. He said "I didn't think it was relevant."
Three showings later, same buyer comes back. Offers twelve thousand less. Says she factored in "the neighbor situation."
We took it.
The neighbor waved at me when I put up the sold sign. Just stood there in his yard. Waving.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE IN THE FACE OF SUBURBAN PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE
The Court has seen many things in its years on the bench, but THIS — this is a case of willful blindness so profound that Reginald himself must pause to collect his thoughts and consult with The Council. You had a NEIGHBOR conducting a coordinated campaign of intimidation involving weaponized irrigation, strategically deployed trash receptacles, and a dog that just SITS THERE STARING, and your seller deemed this NOT RELEVANT? In what jurisdiction is a psychologically menacing canine sentinel not material to disclosure? I once had a neighbor who adjusted his wind chimes to play slightly off-key every time I hosted a dinner party, and I STILL think about it at night, so I understand the trauma this buyer experienced. The Court finds you guilty not of the sabotage itself but of allowing your client to treat a twelve-thousand-dollar negotiating disaster like it was a mild inconvenience, like a squeaky door, like a BARN DOOR, which The Court has OPINIONS about. That neighbor waving at you was not a greeting — it was a victory lap, and you handed him the trophy. The Court hereby sentences you to mandatory disclosure training and recommends you never make eye contact with that man again. Reginald has spoken, and Reginald must now go check on his own sprinkler heads.
Neighborly Menace Enabler
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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