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CONFESSION #0428 — OPEN HOUSE HORROR
Monday, April 6, 2026
Her daughter started asking questions. That's how it started. The mom is in the kitchen opening cabinets, which fine, that's what you do at an open house, and the daughter, maybe 8 or 9, she's in the master bathroom and I hear her go "Mom why is there a camera in here."
And my stomach just drops.
I go in there and she's pointing at the smoke detector. And it's not a camera, it's just a smoke detector, but now I'm looking at it and I'm like wait is that a camera? Because the sellers, they're weird. They insisted on being home for the first showing which is already a red flag and the husband kept following people around.
So now I'm standing on the toilet trying to get a closer look at this smoke detector and the mom comes in and she's got her phone out already, like filming me, and she goes "I'm documenting this."
Documenting what? I'm trying to figure out if your kid found a hidden camera, I'm on your side here.
It wasn't a camera. It was just a smoke detector with a little light on it.
But then I had to call my broker because the mom posted something on her neighborhood Facebook group about "suspicious devices" at the open house and tagged the listing. Three people cancelled their appointments. The sellers blamed me for not "controlling the narrative." The house sat for 12 more days. They ended up taking an offer 15 thousand under asking.
The daughter was right to ask though. You should always ask.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED SMOKE DETECTOR HYSTERIA AND FAILURE TO CONTROL A MINOR WITNESS
The Court has reviewed this CATASTROPHIC display of bathroom panic and finds the defendant guilty on all counts. You stood on a TOILET, counsel. You stood on a TOILET like some kind of amateur plumbing inspector while a child — A CHILD — conducted the only competent investigation in that entire house. And then, THEN, you allowed a Facebook mom with documentary aspirations to tank your listing because you could not simply say "ma'am that is a smoke detector, it detects smoke, that is its ENTIRE PURPOSE." Reginald once spent forty-five minutes convinced his own thermostat was surveilling him, so The Court understands the paranoia, but Reginald did not let it cost anyone fifteen thousand dollars. The sellers are weird, you say? Of COURSE they are weird, everyone selling a home is weird, that is not new information, that is TUESDAY. You should have looked at that smoke detector with the confidence of someone who has seen smoke detectors before, nodded once, and said "First Alert, 2019 model, harmless" even if you were making it up entirely. Instead you created a SCENE and now here we are. The daughter was the only professional in that bathroom and The Court hopes she considers a career in real estate inspection. Case closed, Reginald needs to go check something on his ceiling.
Toilet Inspector Panic
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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