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CONFESSION #0438 — THE LISTING THAT WOULDN'T DIE
Friday, April 10, 2026
Her attorney got involved. Not over the contract, not over the inspection, over the color of the mailbox. The mailbox. Because it was black and she wanted it to be bronze and somehow this became a legal issue three days before closing.
But that's not even the thing. The thing is this house has been on the market for eight months. Eight. We've had maybe 20 showings. We dropped the price twice. We staged it, we unstaged it, we staged it again with different furniture. The seller keeps calling me to ask if the photos make the kitchen look small. The kitchen is small. That's not a photography problem.
Every time we get an offer she finds something wrong with the buyer. Too young, probably won't close. Too old, probably dying. One couple had a dog and she was worried about the hardwood. Another couple didn't have a dog and she thought that was suspicious.
We finally get someone to $485,000 which is $12,000 under ask but it's December and nobody's buying and she fights me for a week before accepting. Then the mailbox thing happens.
Her attorney sent a four page letter about the mailbox.
The buyer's attorney responded and now we're in some kind of mailbox standoff and the closing got pushed to January and I've shown this house so many times I dream about that ugly breakfast nook.
She called me yesterday to ask if we should repaint the front door.
I said sure.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED MAILBOX LITIGATION AND CHRONIC BUYER DISCRIMINATION IN THE FIRST DEGREE
The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the sheer audacity of what has transpired here. Eight months. EIGHT MONTHS of showings, and your seller has rejected buyers for being too young, too old, too canine, and insufficiently canine, a screening process so arbitrary it makes TSA look reasonable. The Court once had a client who refused to sell to anyone whose car was parked crooked in the driveway, and even THAT lunatic never summoned attorneys over mailbox patina. Four pages. FOUR PAGES about bronze versus black, as if we are litigating the Sistine Chapel and not a metal rectangle that holds pizza coupons. Reginald himself once lost a weekend to a dispute over whether beige was actually taupe, and I emerged from that experience a CHANGED and DIMINISHED man, so I understand the mailbox standoff more than I care to admit. You said sure to repainting the front door because you have been broken, shattered like a realtor who has shown the same ugly breakfast nook so many times it appears in their nightmares wearing a tiny judge's wig. The Court hereby sentences you to close this transaction by any means necessary, and your seller is ordered to purchase a bronze mailbox WITH HER OWN MONEY and then sit quietly with her choices. This Court is adjourned because Reginald has a 2pm gavel polishing appointment that cannot be rescheduled.
Mailbox Litigation Syndrome
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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