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CONFESSION #0445 — POST-CLOSE CATASTROPHE
Monday, April 13, 2026
The buyers walked after the inspection. Which, okay, that happens. But then the sellers decided to fix everything on the report before relisting, which sounds smart except they hired the husband's brother who "does contracting" and I'm using that term very loosely here.
So we close with the new buyers three weeks later. Keys handed over on a Friday at 4pm. By Saturday morning I have 11 texts. The kitchen sink fell off the wall. Not leaked. Fell. The brother had replaced the faucet and apparently didn't secure anything to the studs, just screwed into drywall, so when the new owners filled a pot with water the whole thing came down. Damaged the cabinet underneath, cracked the countertop. We're talking probably 6 thousand dollars.
And the seller is calling ME asking why I let this happen. Asking if the buyers are going to sue. Asking if I knew the brother wasn't licensed. How would I know that. You told me he was a contractor. You said "my brother-in-law is handling it" and I said "great, get me the receipts for the file."
The thing that really gets me is the brother sent me a photo after he finished and I looked at it and thought "huh, that faucet looks nice." That's what I was looking at. The faucet. Not whether the sink was going to stay attached to the wall for more than 8 days.
Nobody's suing yet but it's Monday.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CATASTROPHIC FIXTURE NEGLIGENCE AND ACCESSORY TO GRAVITATIONAL BETRAYAL
The Court is APPALLED but frankly not surprised, because Reginald has seen this exact scenario play out more times than he has seen competent drywall anchoring, which is to say NEVER. You received photographic evidence of a crime in progress and your professional assessment was "huh, that faucet looks nice," which is the inspection equivalent of admiring the font on a ransom note. The brother-in-law defense is INADMISSIBLE in this court because every disaster in residential real estate begins with the phrase "my brother-in-law is handling it," a statement that should trigger the same response as "I'm sure this bridge will hold" or "the Roomba can definitely handle that." I myself once trusted a cousin to hang a bathroom mirror and spent three weeks picking glass out of my toilet brush holder, so The Court understands the seductive lie of family competence, BUT YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL. You should have demanded permits, you should have demanded licensing, you should have DEMANDED that gravity be consulted before anyone filled a pot with water. The seller asking if YOU knew the brother wasn't licensed is the audacity equivalent of a arsonist asking the fire department why they let buildings be flammable. This Court finds you guilty but reserves its TRUE contempt for whatever anchor-free nightmare is holding up that bathroom mirror the brother definitely also "fixed." Reginald must now go lie down because his blood pressure medication is in the other room and Order refuses to fetch it.
Sink or Swim Failure
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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