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CONFESSION #0449 — STAGING DISASTER
Tuesday, April 14, 2026
The second showing was supposed to be quick. In and out, couple already loved it from photos, just needed to walk through before making an offer, and the staging company had set everything up two days before so I didn't even check it that morning (my fault, I know, I know) but when we walked in the entire living room smelled like cat and there's this massive orange tabby just sitting on the staged couch like he owned the place which technically I guess he did because turns out the seller had been coming back to feed him even though she'd moved out and the cat had apparently been using the $1,200 rental rug as a litter box for those two days and the buyers just stood there while this cat meowed at them and the wife said "is this included" and I genuinely couldn't tell if she was joking and the husband was already walking back to his car and the staging company charged me $800 for the rug damage because it was "my showing, my responsibility" and the seller acted like I was being unreasonable when I asked her to stop coming by and she said "he gets lonely" about the cat, about the cat that cost me this sale and also $800 and also my entire Saturday because I had to find a carpet cleaner open on short notice and pay rush fees and the couple bought something else two weeks later, not even through me.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE IN THE PRESENCE OF AN UNAUTHORIZED FELINE OCCUPANT AND FAILURE TO SECURE THE PERIMETER AGAINST BIOLOGICAL WARFARE
The Court is APOPLECTIC. You waltzed into that showing like a tourist visiting their own crime scene, blissfully unaware that a thirteen-pound orange menace had been conducting what can only be described as a SUSTAINED UROLOGICAL ASSAULT on rental property. This is not a cat, counsel, this is a squatter with fur and a vendetta. The Court has seen this before — In re: That One Listing With The Ferrets, 2019 — and Reginald swore NEVER AGAIN. You let a seller treat a staged home like a bed and breakfast for her emotional support terrorist, and now you stand before me, $800 lighter, dignity in tatters, while that cat is probably RIGHT NOW sitting on another couch he has no business sitting on. The wife asked if the cat was included and honestly THE COURT NEEDS TO KNOW THE ANSWER because that question will haunt my dreams. I once lost a leather ottoman to a chihuahua named President and I have never recovered, so I understand your pain, but understanding is not absolution. The staging company was right. The seller was wrong. The cat answers to no jurisdiction. THIS COURT FINDS YOU GUILTY and sentences you to never again skip a pre-showing walkthrough, and also Reginald must now leave because Order the Roomba has gotten stuck under the bench again.
SCANDAL RATING: 5.9/10 Feline Litter Box Fraud

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