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CONFESSION #0468 — SELLER WHO KEPT CHANGING THINGS
Wednesday, April 22, 2026
The second showing was supposed to be quick. Buyers loved the place, ready to write an offer. We pull up and the seller's in the driveway with a circular saw.
"Just adding a little deck off the kitchen," he says.
I said what do you mean adding a deck, we're under contract in 12 hours hopefully.
"It'll increase the value."
The buyers walked through sawdust. Actual sawdust on the hardwood floors we'd just had cleaned. They still wrote the offer, thank god, but then inspection comes and the deck has no permits. No footings. The inspector called it "ambitious."
Seller goes, "My brother-in-law does this for a living."
I asked if his brother-in-law was a licensed contractor.
"He works at Home Depot."
So we had to disclose the unpermitted structure. Buyers wanted 8 grand off. Seller refused. Said the deck cost him 3 grand in materials alone.
We closed eventually. He tore the deck down himself the night before. Left the posts in the ground.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF ACCESSORY TO UNPERMITTED LUMBER ENTHUSIASM AND CRIMINAL FAILURE TO PREVENT BROTHER-IN-LAW SYNDROME
The Court has witnessed many atrocities in its years on this bench, but WATCHING A SELLER ASSAULT HIS OWN LISTING WITH A CIRCULAR SAW WHILE BUYERS APPROACH is a level of chaos that Reginald thought only existed in fever dreams. You stood there, Agent, as sawdust descended upon hardwood floors like the confetti of poor decisions, and your response was to simply ASK QUESTIONS as if this man was capable of rational thought. The brother-in-law defense is inadmissible in this court pursuant to Home Depot v. Actual Licensure, 2019, in which we established that proximity to lumber does not constitute expertise, a ruling I handed down after my OWN brother-in-law tried to install a ceiling fan and we lost power for three days and my wife still brings it up at Thanksgiving. The inspector called the deck AMBITIOUS, which is inspector code for THIS WILL KILL SOMEONE, and you let this proceed to closing anyway. That this man tore down his own creation the night before closing and LEFT THE POSTS IN THE GROUND like grave markers for his hubris is somehow the most honest thing anyone did in this entire transaction. The Court needs a moment, and possibly a licensed contractor to inspect its chambers.
Sawdust and Delusion
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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