Advertisement
CONFESSION #0487 — SHOWING GONE WRONG
Wednesday, April 29, 2026
The buyer loved the house. Thursday 2pm: arrive early to turn on lights. 2:15: buyer pulls up with her mother. 2:18: mother asks about the basement. 2:19: open basement door, smell hits us. 2:20: find the cat. Dead maybe three days. Seller never mentioned a cat. 2:21: mother screams. 2:22: buyer is crying. 2:23: call listing agent, no answer. 2:24: mother is now yelling at me like I put the cat there. 2:30: everyone leaves. 2:45: listing agent calls back, says oh the seller's been in the hospital since Monday, forgot about the cat. Forgot. About the cat. Friday: buyer withdraws. Seller gets out of hospital Saturday. Calls me Sunday asking why we didn't make an offer. Had to explain the whole thing again.
Advertisement
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF INVOLUNTARY CATSLAUGHTER IN THE SECOND DEGREE AND FAILURE TO CONDUCT PRE-SHOWING OLFACTORY RECONNAISSANCE
The Court has reviewed the timeline submitted and finds it DAMNING in its precision yet WOEFULLY INADEQUATE in its preventive measures. You arrived at 2pm, you turned on lights, but did you SNIFF, counselor? DID YOU SNIFF? The nose knows, and YOUR nose apparently took Thursday off. Reginald once lost a showing because a seller left a single unwashed dish in the sink, and I can STILL taste that humiliation, so imagine my HORROR at the discovery of what can only be described as a feline fatality in the forgotten zone. The mother's screaming was legally justified under the precedent established in Deceased Pet v. Unsuspecting Buyers, 2019, wherein the Court ruled that ALL BASEMENT DOORS must be approached with the caution one reserves for a storage unit auction on basic cable. You claim the listing agent mentioned nothing about a cat, but The Court asks: did you ASK? Did you submit the Seventeen Point Pet Verification Checklist that I personally invented just now and am retroactively requiring? The seller forgot about the cat, the listing agent forgot to answer, and YOU forgot that real estate is a BLOOD SPORT where the unprepared are devoured by circumstance and also apparently by the smell of a three-day deceased tabby. This Court finds your timeline meticulous but your nostrils negligent, and Reginald must now go feed his own cat immediately.
CATASTROPHIC BASEMENT FAILURE
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
Advertisement