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CONFESSION #0491 — POST-CLOSE CATASTROPHE
Friday, May 1, 2026
The neighbor walked over. Day after closing, my buyers are moving boxes in, and this guy from next door comes across the lawn and says congratulations, then asks if they're planning to do anything about the drainage issue. My buyers look at me. I look at the neighbor. He goes, you know, the flooding in the backyard, happens every spring, been going on for years, the previous owners tried to fix it twice.
Nobody disclosed this. Nothing in the seller's disclosure, nothing in inspection because we closed in August when everything was bone dry. I knew the backyard sloped weird. I noticed it at the showing. Thought about saying something, thought about asking, and then I got distracted by the HVAC questions and just... didn't circle back.
French drain estimate came in at $8,000. My buyers aren't speaking to me. The neighbor waves at me every time I drive by to check on another listing in that subdivision. Real friendly about it too.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF NEGLIGENT TOPOGRAPHICAL AMNESIA AND CONSPIRACY TO IGNORE SUSPICIOUS SLOPES
The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the audacity on display. You noticed the slope, counsel. You NOTICED it. The ground itself was WHISPERING to you, saying hey buddy, water goes downhill, maybe ask a question, and you responded by getting distracted by an HVAC unit like some kind of ductwork-obsessed goldfish. Reginald once dated a woman who had a drainage issue in her personality, and even HE knew to investigate further before committing. The neighbor waves at you now because he has become your conscience made flesh, a friendly specter of accountability haunting your every listing visit, and The Court finds this POETIC JUSTICE of the highest order. You owe those buyers $8,000 and a formal apology delivered while standing in their flooded backyard during a spring rain, and if you think about mentioning the HVAC system one more time, I will hold you in contempt. This Court is now in recess because Reginald needs to go yell at a topographical map.
Willful Slope Blindness
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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