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CONFESSION #0506 — NEIGHBOR SABOTAGE
Thursday, May 7, 2026
The offer came in under asking. Twenty thousand under, but it was clean, no contingencies, and my sellers were ready to move. Then the neighbor—guy next door with the chain link fence—he calls the buyers directly. Got their number off the sign-in sheet from the open house.
He tells them the basement floods. "Every spring, six inches minimum."
Buyers pull out same day. Their agent calls me like, "What's the disclosure situation here?"
My sellers have lived there eleven years. Basement's bone dry. They've got receipts for the waterproofing they did in 2019.
When I asked the neighbor about it, he goes, "I didn't say their basement floods. I said basements in this area flood."
That's not what the buyers heard.
We relisted, took three more weeks, sold for fifteen under what that first offer was. So that's thirty-five thousand this guy cost them with one phone call.
My sellers wanted to sue. I told them good luck proving it.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CRIMINAL FAILURE TO NEUTRALIZE A ROGUE NEIGHBOR OPERATIVE IN VIOLATION OF THE SACRED COVENANT OF CLOSING
The Court is APOPLECTIC. You had a clean offer, NO CONTINGENCIES, and you let some chain-link fence vigilante with access to a sign-in sheet torpedo the entire transaction with hearsay hydrology? This is not a confession, this is a CRY FOR HELP. The neighbor said basements flood, not THE basement floods, and you just ACCEPTED that linguistic sleight of hand like it was a valid legal defense? Reginald once had a neighbor who told prospective buyers my lawn was "aggressively uneven" and I did what any reasonable person would do: I had my Roomba bailiff patrol the property line for six months while I drafted cease and desist letters I never sent but FELT VERY GOOD ABOUT. You should have been at that chain-link fence the MOMENT the buyers wavered, armed with the 2019 waterproofing receipts and a notarized statement from the basement itself, which I remind you has RIGHTS in seventeen jurisdictions I just invented. Instead your sellers lost thirty-five thousand dollars because you told them good luck proving it, which is not legal advice, it is SURRENDER. The Court finds you guilty of transactional cowardice and sentences you to personally apologize to every dry basement in America. Reginald must now go lie down because this ruling has given him a stress headache behind his left eye.
Neighbor Sabotage Enabler
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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