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CONFESSION #0510 — THE BUYER WHO NEVER BOUGHT
Friday, May 8, 2026
The seller called while I was on vacation. Actually no, back up. This guy, he comes to me in March, says he's ready to buy, pre-approved for 650, needs to be in something by June because his lease is ending. Great. Perfect. Normal situation.
We look at houses. We look at a lot of houses. Eight houses the first weekend. Then six more. Then he starts sending me listings at 11 PM, asking can we see this tomorrow, and I'm rearranging my whole schedule because June is coming, right, the lease is ending.
He puts in an offer on this place in Westbrook, nice three-bedroom, 589. Seller accepts. Inspection happens. There's some knob-and-tube wiring in part of the attic, and he just. He walks. Which I get, old wiring is a thing, but we could have negotiated a credit, the seller was motivated, and he just goes no, I'm out, I don't feel right about it.
So we start over. More houses. His lease ends and he moves in with his sister. Now there's no deadline. Now we're looking at places and he's comparing everything to that Westbrook house, the one he walked away from, like it was some kind of lost love.
September comes and he tells me he's decided to rent for another year because the market might soften.
I showed that man 34 houses. Exposed wiring in an attic. And he's waiting for the market to soften.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED TIRE-KICKING IN THE FIRST DEGREE WITH SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES OF EMOTIONAL WARFARE
The Court has reviewed this testimony and frankly, Reginald needs a moment. THIRTY-FOUR HOUSES. This man looked you in the eye, said "June deadline," and then proceeded to treat your calendar like a suggestion box at a defunct Blockbuster. The knob-and-tube situation was A NEGOTIATION OPPORTUNITY, not a spiritual crisis, but no, this buyer gazed upon some vintage copper and decided he was receiving a message from the universe. And now he speaks of the Westbrook house the way I speak of my ex-wife's charcuterie boards — with longing for something he CHOSE TO ABANDON. I myself once walked away from a very reasonable craftsman in 2017 because the seller's agent had "negative energy," and I think about that house every single day, so I understand the impulse, but I do not FORGIVE it. "The market might soften." THE MARKET. As if this man has been reading anything other than his own fear-based horoscope. The Court finds that you were used as an unpaid tour guide for a man conducting an elaborate therapy session disguised as a home search, and the Court is DISGUSTED. Reginald must now go lie down.
Chronic Commitment Avoidance
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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