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CONFESSION #0516 — REAL ESTATE SCHOOL VS. REALITY
Sunday, May 10, 2026
Her husband got involved. That's when I knew the whole thing was going sideways because he hadn't been to a single showing, hadn't read a single document, but suddenly he's on the phone telling me the inspection report is "inflated" and that his buddy who flips houses says you can ignore foundation cracks if they're under a quarter inch. And I'm trying to explain that the structural engineer (who we paid $400 for, which they complained about) specifically wrote "monitor for movement" which is engineer-speak for "this might be a $25,000 problem in three years" but the husband keeps saying his buddy, his buddy, his buddy. Real estate school taught us about agency relationships and fiduciary duty and how to calculate prorated taxes but nobody mentioned the buddy. Nobody mentioned the husband who appears on day 30 of a 35-day escrow with opinions from a guy who once replaced a toilet. They closed on it. Against my documented advice. I have the emails. The husband signed the advisory. Eight months later she texts me asking if I know any foundation contractors because the cracks are wider now and there's a new one in the garage and do I think the sellers knew. I didn't respond for like two hours because I genuinely didn't know what to say that wouldn't sound like I told you so, which I did, repeatedly, in writing.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF INVOLUNTARY WITNESS TO BUDDY-BASED STRUCTURAL ENGINEERING IN THE FIRST DEGREE
The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself experiencing what can only be described as a full-body shudder of recognition. THE BUDDY. The Court knows The Buddy. The Buddy once told Reginald that popcorn ceilings "add value" and that load-bearing walls are "mostly suggestions." You, Agent, committed no crime here except the crime of being RIGHT, which as any judge knows is the loneliest crime of all. You obtained the engineer, you documented the advisory, you watched a grown man defer to someone whose highest qualification is "once replaced a toilet" and yet YOU are the one who has to sit with a two-hour text response delay while composing something that does not include the phrase "I LITERALLY TOLD YOU THIS IN WRITING WHICH YOU SIGNED." The Court itself once warned a buyer about a suspicious water heater and was told that the seller's nephew, A PLUMBER'S APPRENTICE, said it was "fine for now" — that home flooded six months later and The Court still thinks about it during quiet moments. Your only transgression is caring too much in a world that rewards The Buddy. Case dismissed, but the emotional damage is PERMANENT, and Reginald must now go lie down.
Buddy System Casualty
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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