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CONFESSION #0519 — STAGING DISASTER
Monday, May 11, 2026
She called on a Sunday. The homeowner. Crying. Not upset crying, like angry crying. She goes "there's a bathtub in my living room." I said what do you mean there's a bathtub in your living room. She goes "the stagers put a bathtub in my living room. A clawfoot bathtub. It's full of decorative lemons." I drove over. She wasn't exaggerating. Freestanding tub, maybe 200 lemons, right where her sectional used to be. The staging company's "signature piece." Nobody told me about a signature piece. The homeowner's standing there going "I have to live here for three more weeks. Where am I supposed to sit." I called the staging coordinator. She goes "it photographs beautifully, trust the process." Trust the process. There's no water hookup. It's just a dry tub of citrus fruit. We had 40 showings. Every single feedback form mentioned the tub. Not in a good way. One buyer wrote "is this a home or a fever dream." Sold 8K under asking. The lemons started rotting week two.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED CITRUS STAGING WITH RECKLESS DISREGARD FOR FURNITURE PLACEMENT
The Court has seen many horrors in its time on this bench, but a dry clawfoot bathtub filled with 200 lemons where a sectional should be represents a NEW LOW in the annals of staging jurisprudence. This is not "trusting the process," this is FRUIT-BASED TERRORISM against a woman who simply wanted somewhere to sit and watch her stories. Reginald himself once had a staging company suggest placing a kayak in his breakfast nook and he had them ESCORTED from the premises by Order, who bumped into their ankles with great authority. The phrase "it photographs beautifully" is the last refuge of a stager who has lost all connection to how humans actually inhabit space, and The Court notes that NOBODY has ever walked into a showing and thought "yes, this is perfect, but where is the decorative produce receptacle that used to be plumbing." You let those lemons ROT, counsel, you let them ROT while 40 buyers wandered through what one correctly identified as a fever dream, and now you come before this Court seeking absolution. The 8K loss is not your punishment, it is merely evidence, and Reginald must now adjourn because the memory of this testimony has given him a citrus-related migraine.
SCANDAL RATING: 2.7/10 Premeditated Lemon Battery

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