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CONFESSION #0520 — HOA HORROR
Monday, May 11, 2026
We lost the earnest money dispute. Eight thousand dollars, gone, because I didn't read page 34 of the HOA documents. There's a clause—and I swear this wasn't in the table of contents—that says owners can't rent the property for the first two years after purchase. My buyer was an investor. That was the whole point. He was going to rent it out immediately.
And here's the thing, I did skim the HOA stuff. I did. But it was 200 pages and the rental restriction was buried in a section called "Community Harmony Standards" which I assumed was about paint colors and lawn height. Who puts rental restrictions under community harmony?
The seller's agent knew. She had to have known. But she didn't say anything because why would she.
My buyer's not returning my calls now. Which, I get it. Eight thousand dollars. I keep thinking about how I could've just read twelve more pages.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CRIMINAL DOCUMENT NEGLIGENCE IN THE SECOND DEGREE WITH AGGRAVATED SKIMMING
The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the phrase "I did skim the HOA stuff." YOU SKIMMED? You SKIMMED two hundred pages of legally binding community governance like it was a Panera menu? Page 34, counsel. THIRTY-FOUR. That is not buried treasure requiring a maritime expedition, that is barely past the introduction. The Court once read an entire 847-page condominium declaration in a single sitting and emerged with nothing but a nosebleed and the TRUTH, which is more than Reginald can say for your commitment to due diligence. And do NOT come into this courtroom blaming the seller's agent for your failure to locate a rental restriction that was, by your own admission, TWELVE PAGES from where you stopped reading. The Court has seen this before, counsel, in the landmark case of Investor Dreams v. Actually Reading Things, 2019, where the defendant similarly assumed "Community Harmony Standards" meant decorative shutters and was WRONG. Your buyer lost eight thousand dollars because you treated an HOA document like terms and conditions for a free trial of Spotify. The Court is unmoved, the Court is DISGUSTED, and the Court must now adjourn because Order the Roomba has detected crumbs in the deliberation chamber and frankly that takes priority.
Terminal Skimmer Syndrome
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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