Confession #0539 — Agent Confessions

There was a second lien nobody mentioned. Not the seller, not his divorce attorney, not the title company until three days before closing when suddenly there's a hundred and twelve thousand dollars owed to his ex-wife secured against the property. He knew. He absolutely knew. When I called him he said oh yeah that was part of the settlement but I figured we'd just pay her out of proceeds. Sir. The house is listed at four twenty and you owe three ninety on the first mortgage. There are no proceeds. There's barely enough to cover closing costs. So now we're scrambling, the buyers are furious because they already gave notice on their apartment, and his ex-wife's attorney won't return calls. Won't return calls! For eight days. Finally get her on the phone and she says the lien can be released for sixty thousand cash. Where is this cash coming from. The seller's mother. Who apparently has money but quote doesn't believe in real estate transactions unquote and needs to be convinced. I spent four hours at this woman's kitchen table explaining how escrow works. Four hours. She made me tea. She showed me photos of her cats. She asked if I was married. Eventually she wrote the check but only after I promised to personally oversee that her son quote doesn't do anything stupid with the rest of the money unquote. The buyers closed twelve days late and docked us on the survey. My commission barely covered the extra title work.

Judge Reginald Escrow III

⚖️ Presiding

GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED LIEN CONCEALMENT, MATERNAL NEGOTIATION UNDER DURESS, AND UNLAWFUL EXPLOITATION OF TEA AND CAT PHOTOS

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF CHAOS THAT MAKES ME WANT TO SUBPOENA EVERYONE'S DIVORCE ATTORNEY AND LOCK THEM IN A ROOM WITH NOTHING BUT A WHITEBOARD AND THE CONCEPT OF DISCLOSURE. A second lien for one hundred and twelve thousand dollars just casually lurking like a financial poltergeist while the seller wanders around saying oh we will just pay her out of proceeds when there ARE no proceeds because basic arithmetic exists and he apparently does not believe in it. And then, THEN, you had to become a hostage negotiator in this woman's kitchen for FOUR HOURS explaining escrow while she showed you cat photos and asked about your marital status which frankly The Court finds deeply relatable because my own mother once tried to set me up with a process server at Thanksgiving and I had to excuse myself to the garage. The ex-wife's attorney not returning calls for eight days is a violation of what I call the Doctrine of Pick Up Your Phone Sandra We Know You See It, established in the landmark case of Reginald v. His Own Realtor, 2019, and the fact that you are now personally responsible for ensuring a grown man does not do anything stupid with his own money means you have been conscripted into a family you did not choose. The survey dock is an insult, the commission situation is a tragedy, and The Court must now adjourn because Order the Roomba has gotten stuck under the credenza again and someone has to maintain SOME dignity in this courtroom.

SCANDAL RATING: 7.4/10 Maternal Kitchen Conscription

Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.

Submit Anonymously → Subscribe to the Newsletter

← Back to the Full Docket