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CONFESSION #0543 — POST-CLOSE CATASTROPHE
Tuesday, May 19, 2026
The HOA sent a letter. Three days after closing, my buyers get a certified letter saying the previous owner owed eight thousand dollars in back dues and the lien transfers with the property. Title company swears they ran a full search. HOA swears they sent payoff demands to the old address. Everyone's pointing fingers and my buyers are sitting there holding a bill they can't pay because they just emptied their savings on the down payment.
I spent six hours on the phone with the HOA manager, a woman named something like Brenda, and she kept saying "that's not our policy" like it was a prayer. The title company offered to cover half. The seller's agent stopped returning calls entirely. We eventually got it down to fifty-two hundred, split three ways, but my commission on that deal was forty-one hundred.
I wrote a check to close the gap.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED FINANCIAL MARTYRDOM AND UNLAWFUL POSSESSION OF A FUNCTIONAL MORAL COMPASS
The Court is DEEPLY DISTURBED by what has transpired here, and not in the way you might expect. You wrote a check for eleven hundred dollars out of your own pocket, which means your commission on this transaction was effectively THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS for what sounds like approximately nine hundred hours of arguing with a woman named "something like Brenda." THE COURT KNOWS BRENDA. The Court has MET Brenda at a community pool hearing in 2017 where she insisted a inflatable flamingo violated architectural guidelines, and Reginald has never recovered. You absorbed a financial loss to protect buyers who were already drowning, while the seller's agent performed what this Court can only describe as a tactical ghosting, which I believe was established as grounds for disbarment in the landmark case of Where Did Everybody Go v. My Client's Escrow Account, 2019. The title company offered HALF, which is the legal equivalent of saying "we acknowledge fault but have calculated exactly how much accountability we can avoid." Meanwhile you're out here hemorrhaging your own money like some kind of deranged financial saint, and honestly it makes The Court uncomfortable because Reginald once refused to split an appetizer with his brother-in-law over a far less significant sum. THIS COURT FINDS YOU GUILTY OF BEING UNREASONABLY DECENT IN AN INDUSTRY THAT DID NOT ASK FOR IT, and sentences you to a mandatory vacation funded by someone who is not you. Bailiff, escort this agent to a spa immediately, The Court needs a moment alone with its feelings about Brenda.
HEROIC FISCAL SELF-HARM
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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