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CONFESSION #0576 — NEIGHBOR SABOTAGE
Saturday, May 30, 2026
We lost the earnest money dispute. Twelve thousand dollars gone because the neighbor told the buyers the basement floods. Which it doesn't. It has flooded once, in 2019, during that thing where the city main broke and half the block had water.
The neighbor told them "every spring it's a swimming pool down there."
I asked her why. Straight up walked over and asked. She said "I don't want the wrong people moving in."
I said what does that mean.
She said "renters."
It wasn't even going to be renters. It was a couple with a baby. They got spooked, backed out, cited material concerns about water damage. We had the inspection report. Bone dry. Didn't matter.
My seller's attorney said we could maybe sue the neighbor for tortious interference but the legal fees would be more than twelve thousand and also "good luck proving damages when the buyers can just say they changed their minds."
The house finally sold four months later for twenty less than that first offer.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF FAILING TO NEUTRALIZE A HOSTILE ADJACENT PROPERTY OWNER IN VIOLATION OF THE SACRED DUTY TO CONTROL THE NARRATIVE
The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the jurisdictional overreach of this neighbor, who has apparently appointed herself Chief Inspector of Basement Moisture despite holding NO credentials beyond what Reginald can only assume is a lifetime subscription to Nextdoor and an unresolved grudge against the concept of change. Let the record show that "I don't want the wrong people moving in" followed by "renters" is the kind of sentence that makes The Court want to subpoena someone's entire personality. A COUPLE WITH A BABY. They had a BABY. The basement flooded ONCE during a MUNICIPAL INFRASTRUCTURE FAILURE that affected HALF THE BLOCK and this woman described it as a SEASONAL AQUATIC ATTRACTION. I myself was once told by a neighbor that my lawn was "aggressively beige" and I have not recovered, so I understand the psychic damage of unsolicited adjacent opinions, but at least my neighbor didn't cost me twenty thousand dollars and four months of market time. The Court finds that your seller's attorney was correct about the lawsuit being impractical, which is the worst kind of correct. This neighbor has committed what we in the legal community call Being The Absolute Worst, see Kravitz v. Everyone On Her Street, 2022, and while The Court cannot restore your twelve thousand dollars, Reginald hereby sentences this neighbor to a lifetime of buyers who install above-ground pools and host weekly mariachi nights. The gavel has spoken and now The Court must go lie down.
Neighborly Sabotage
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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