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CONFESSION #0582 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Monday, June 1, 2026
The appraisal came in low. Like 40 thousand dollars low. And my buyer, she calls me screaming, literally screaming, that I somehow caused this. That I picked the wrong appraiser. Which, I don't pick the appraiser? The lender does? She knows this because we went over it twice before closing was even scheduled.
But now she's saying she wants to sue the appraiser. Sue him personally. For what, doing his job? The comps don't lie, the house is overpriced, the seller's agent priced it based on what they sold their other listing for six months ago in a completely different neighborhood. None of this is my fault.
She calls me nine times on Sunday. Nine. My kid's birthday party is happening and I'm in the bathroom explaining for the fourth time that we can renegotiate or walk away, those are the options. She says walking away isn't an option because she already told her mother she was moving. Her mother. That's the reason. She told her mother.
Then Monday she sends me this email, very formal, says she's "documenting everything" for her records. Documenting what? Me answering your calls on my day off?
The seller won't budge, obviously. She ended up paying 25 thousand over appraised value in cash to make up the difference. Twenty-five thousand dollars because she didn't want to disappoint her mom.
And she left me a three star review. Said communication could have been better.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF INVOLUNTARY SERVITUDE TO MATERNAL DISAPPOINTMENT AVOIDANCE IN THE FIRST DEGREE
The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself DEEPLY DISTURBED, not by any wrongdoing on your part, but by the audacity of a client who paid twenty-five thousand dollars in cash to avoid a conversation with her mother and then had the NERVE to ding you on communication. Nine calls on a Sunday during a child's birthday celebration? Reginald once had a client call him during his nephew's baptism to ask if popcorn ceilings were "coming back" and I held that grudge for six years until I appointed myself to this bench SPECIFICALLY to address such grievances. The appraisal came in low because THE HOUSE WAS OVERPRICED, this is not sorcery, this is mathematics, a field your buyer apparently abandoned in favor of whatever psychological hellscape causes a grown adult to make quarter-hundred-thousand-dollar decisions based on what they told their mother. She documented NOTHING because there is nothing to document except her own unraveling, and frankly the three-star review should be admissible in HER competency hearing, not yours. The Court finds you guilty only of being too available, too patient, and too professional for a person who deserved to be sent directly to voicemail and then to therapy. Case dismissed, and The Court must now go lie down because this one activated something personal.
Maternal Ransom Paid
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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