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CONFESSION #0610 — THE BUYER WHO NEVER BOUGHT
Friday, June 12, 2026
Her daughter started asking questions. That's when I knew this was going to be a problem because the daughter lives in Seattle and has opinions about everything and suddenly every house we'd looked at for six months (six months, twelve offers, all withdrawn by the buyer before inspection) was wrong in some new way the daughter discovered on Google Street View. The mom loved this one place on Maple, 1,850 square feet, perfect layout, and she was ready to sign until the daughter called and said the neighbor's fence looked "aggressive" which I still don't understand but okay we walked away from that. Then there was the condo situation where we got to the closing table, actual closing table, the seller's attorney is sitting there with his coffee getting cold, and she says she needs to call her daughter real quick and twenty minutes later she's crying in the bathroom because the daughter said condos are a scam and she'd be throwing away her retirement. I showed this woman over 30 properties. She's still renting. The daughter bought a house in Tacoma last month and sent me a photo like I'd be happy for her, like I wouldn't remember that her mother cost me probably 8 thousand dollars in commission across three different almost-sales. The mom texts me sometimes, asks if I'm still in the business, says she's thinking about looking again in spring.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED EMOTIONAL HOSTAGE-TAKING IN THE FIRST DEGREE WITH SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES OF SEATTLE-BASED INTERFERENCE
The Court has reviewed this testimony and frankly, Reginald needs a moment because this confession has reopened wounds I thought I had healed after my own mother let my sister pick out my judicial robes and she chose BEIGE. Thirty properties, counsel, THIRTY PROPERTIES, and this woman is still renting because some daughter in Seattle decided a fence looked AGGRESSIVE, which is not a thing, that is not a legal concept, and yet here we are with a cold coffee attorney and a bathroom crying situation that The Court finds UNCONSCIONABLE. You showed restraint that borders on the pathological, and I do not say that as a compliment, I say it because healthy people would have faked their own death by property number nineteen. The daughter sending you that Tacoma house photo is what we call in legal circles "psychological warfare with a side of audacity" and I am citing the landmark case of In re: That One Client Who Made Me Question Everything, 2022, in which the court ruled that sometimes people are just THE WORST. This Court hereby orders the daughter's opinions to be placed in escrow indefinitely, the mother to be charged rent on your time at the going therapeutic rate, and the fence in question to be tried separately for its alleged aggression. Reginald must now adjourn because thinking about that beige robe has made him too upset to continue.
FENCE AGGRESSION ENABLER
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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