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CONFESSION #0611 — THE LISTING THAT WOULDN'T DIE
Friday, June 12, 2026
The second showing was supposed to be quick. Buyer loved it online, pre-approved, just wanted to walk through before writing an offer, easy Tuesday afternoon, except when we get there the seller's cousin is living in the basement (nobody mentioned a cousin) and he's got like 12 reptile tanks down there, heat lamps everywhere, and the buyer's daughter who came along is maybe 6 and she's already crying before we even get to the stairs because she can smell it. The seller swore the house was vacant, that was the whole agreement, we had it in writing that the property would be unoccupied for showings, and I'm standing there while this guy in gym shorts explains he's been there "just a few weeks" which the neighbor later told me meant since March. The buyer walked out, obviously, and I had to call the seller who acted like I was the unreasonable one for being upset about the undisclosed tenant situation (her word, "situation," like it was a minor scheduling conflict and not a man with a bearded dragon named something I can't remember but it was a human name, like Derek or Kevin). Listing finally sold 8 months later, $40,000 under asking, and the cousin was still there at closing, they just wrote him into the deal somehow.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED REPTILIAN HARBORING AND CONSPIRACY TO CONCEAL A BASEMENT KEVIN
The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the cascading failures presented herein. Let the record reflect that a "vacant property" does not include a gym-shorted cousin operating what can only be described as an unlicensed serpentarium, and The Court is FRANKLY APPALLED that Reginald must explain this in the year of our Lord 2024. The seller's use of the word "situation" to describe a man named Derek or Kevin (the bearded dragon, not the cousin, though at this point WHO CAN TELL) living rent-free among heat lamps since MARCH constitutes what we in the legal profession call "audacity of the highest order," see also Basement Dweller v. Basic Disclosure Standards, 2019. That child will require THERAPY, and The Court knows something about that because my own nephew once encountered an iguana at an open house in Schaumburg and he still won't eat salad. The fact that this reptile enthusiast was simply "written into the deal" at closing suggests a level of contractual chaos that makes The Court's eye twitch, and I am now gripping The Council (my gavel collection) for emotional support. You are not guilty of the cousin, agent, but you ARE guilty of continuing to represent a seller who clearly views truth as a suggestion and property disclosure as a creative writing exercise. The Court must now adjourn because Order (my Roomba) has detected elevated stress levels in chambers.
Undisclosed Reptile Tenancy
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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