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CONFESSION #0614 — STAGING DISASTER
Saturday, June 13, 2026
We were in multiple offers. Three buyers ready to go over asking, everything perfect, and the staging company brings in this enormous sectional couch that I specifically told them would not fit through the front door (I measured it myself, twice, because the listing photos showed the previous owner had a normal-sized sofa and I knew the doorframe was only 32 inches wide) but they insisted they'd done this house before which turned out to be the house next door, completely different floor plan, and when they tried to force it through they cracked the original 1920s door frame right down the middle. The seller's mother was there. She watched the whole thing. She kept saying "that's the original door frame" over and over, very quiet, which was worse than yelling. The repair estimate came in at $1,800 because you can't just patch something like that, you have to have someone who does historic millwork, and the staging company's insurance has a $2,000 deductible so guess who's eating that cost. We still got the multiple offers but now every time I see a sectional I get this twitch in my left eye (which is new, that started after this) and the seller's mother sent me a Christmas card that just said "I hope your doors are intact" which I think was meant to be funny but I genuinely cannot tell.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED ARCHITECTURAL ASSAULT WITH A SECTIONAL WEAPON AND RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT OF HISTORIC MILLWORK
The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the hubris on display here. You measured TWICE, you KNEW the doorframe was 32 inches, and yet you allowed these staging BARBARIANS to approach a 1920s doorframe with what can only be described as an upholstered battering ram. Reginald once witnessed a man try to fit a California King through a colonial entryway and I still wake up screaming about it, so I UNDERSTAND your eye twitch on a cellular level. But let us be ABUNDANTLY clear: that Christmas card from the seller's mother was NOT meant to be funny. The Court has analyzed the phrase "I hope your doors are intact" and finds it to be a CURSE, a hex placed upon your household by a woman who watched her childhood memories get splintered by a sectional that belonged in a different floor plan ENTIRELY. The staging company claiming they'd "done this house before" when they meant THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR is the kind of confident wrongness that Reginald encounters daily from appraisers, and it SICKENS me. You got your multiple offers, yes, but at what cost — $1,800, your ocular health, and the quiet disappointment of a mother who will NEVER forget. The Court must now adjourn because I need to go measure every doorframe in my own home IMMEDIATELY.
Sectional Manslaughter
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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