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CONFESSION #0617 — MARKET WHIPLASH
Sunday, June 14, 2026
The neighbor walked over. Middle of the open house, maybe 12 people inside, and this guy from next door just walks into the kitchen and goes "You know this place flooded twice last year, right?" My seller never disclosed that. Never mentioned it once. Buyer's agent calls me Monday morning, says "We're pulling out unless you drop 80k." I call my seller, she goes "It wasn't flooding, it was seepage." I said "What's the difference?" She said "Flooding sounds worse." Three weeks earlier we had six offers. Bidding war. Went 40 over asking. That buyer backed out over the inspection, which, looking back, yeah. Now we're sitting at 25 under list and the neighbor told someone else about the "seepage" situation and that person told their agent and now it's just out there. My seller keeps asking why I can't make him stop talking to people. Like I have some kind of authority over a 60-year-old man in his own yard.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF NEGLIGENT FAILURE TO MUZZLE A CIVILIAN TRUTH-TELLER AND ACCESSORY TO SEMANTIC WATER CRIMES
The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly, Reginald needs a moment. "Seepage" versus "flooding" is not a LEGAL DISTINCTION, it is what happens when a seller watches too many HGTV renovation shows and thinks wordplay constitutes disclosure compliance. Your seller asked why you cannot control a 60-year-old man in his own yard, and The Court must ask: DID YOU TRY? Did you offer him a gift basket? A firm handshake? A pamphlet about minding one's own business? No, you did not, because you were too busy watching six offers evaporate like morning dew on a poorly graded foundation. I once had a neighbor who insisted on telling everyone my lawn had "drainage personality" and you know what I did? I moved. I MOVED, counsel. The buyer's agent demanding 80k off is frankly RESTRAINED given that your listing has now become the neighborhood's most popular cautionary tale, and The Court suspects that "seepage" will follow this property like a nickname follows a man who once cried at a open house because the breakfast nook reminded him of his mother. The gavel has spoken, Order the Roomba is circling ominously, and this Court finds you guilty of hoping geography would save you from hydrology.
SCANDAL RATING: 5.8/10 Semantic Moisture Conspiracy

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