The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the spinelessness on display. You stood there, in someone else's kitchen, watching an unleashed golden retriever commit PREMEDITATED CERAMICIDE against a Portuguese antique, and your response was to absorb the financial damage like some kind of human sponge? Reginald once allowed a neighbor's cat into his home office and it knocked over a decorative gavel from the Franklin Mint collection — I sued the cat, the neighbor, AND the Franklin Mint, and while I lost all three cases, I maintained my DIGNITY. You paid eight hundred dollars of your own money because you lacked the moral fortitude to say "ma'am, control your beast" to a woman who was TOUCHING THE BACKSPLASH while standing in a crime scene! The dog knew what it was doing — retrievers ALWAYS know — and you became its accomplice through cowardice. She bought in Lakewood, which frankly is punishment enough for her, but YOU must live with the knowledge that your broker operates in blissful ignorance while you carry this Portuguese secret like a stone in your chest. The Court finds this confession equal parts pathetic and expensive, and orders you to never again admit a quadruped without demanding papers, references, and a sworn affidavit of good behavior. Case dismissed, Reginald needs to call his therapist.