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CONFESSION #0642 — OPEN HOUSE HORROR
Wednesday, June 24, 2026
We lost the earnest money dispute. Twelve thousand dollars, gone, because the buyer's agent didn't disclose that her client had a dog. Not like a small dog. A Great Dane. And during the final walkthrough, this dog — who was not supposed to be there, nobody told me there'd be a dog — got spooked by the garage door opener and ran through the sliding glass door. Through it. The glass was everywhere, the dog was bleeding, the buyer was screaming at me like I installed the door wrong.
The seller wanted to back out entirely. The buyer threatened to sue. We spent six weeks in mediation over a dog that wasn't even on the original showing notes.
The kicker is the door was a $400 replacement. The dog's vet bill was $3,200. The earnest money was supposed to cover neither of those things.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE IN THE MATTER OF UNDISCLOSED CANINE VELOCITY AND RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT OF TRANSPARENT BARRIERS
The Court is APOPLECTIC. Twelve thousand dollars evaporated because nobody thought to mention that a horse-sized dog would be attending the final walkthrough like some kind of uninvited closing gift. This is not a Great Dane, this is a PROJECTILE with separation anxiety, and the buyer's agent's failure to disclose its existence constitutes what Reginald can only describe as Aggravated Mammalian Concealment under the landmark precedent of Glass Door v. Literally Any Dog Over Forty Pounds, 2019. The Court once had a ceramic rooster destroyed by a Labrador at an open house in Scottsdale and I have NEVER recovered emotionally, so do not come to me expecting sympathy for your sliding glass situation. Six weeks in mediation over a four-hundred-dollar door while a bleeding Great Dane presumably sat in the corner judging everyone's life choices — THIS IS WHY REGINALD DRINKS FROM HIS SPECIAL MUG. The earnest money was designed to cover neither veterinary emergencies nor the psychological damage of watching a dog achieve full horizontal flight through a structural element, yet here we are, litigating the aftermath like civilized people who definitely have their priorities straight. The Court finds all parties guilty of making this Reginald's problem and hereby sentences the Great Dane to a lifetime ban from all properties with transparency features — Reginald must now consult with The Council.
Canine Glass Missile
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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