Advertisement
CONFESSION #0664 — NEW AGENT BAPTISM BY FIRE
Friday, July 3, 2026
The seller called while I was on vacation (my first vacation in eight months, three days in, hadn't even unpacked fully) to tell me the buyer's inspector found a crack in the foundation and now the buyer wants a $40,000 credit or they're walking, and I'm standing in the hotel lobby in flip-flops trying to explain that a hairline crack is not the same as structural failure while my broker is texting me that the listing photos show a water stain in the basement that I apparently missed during the initial walkthrough because I was too focused on staging the kitchen island with fake lemons, which the seller keeps bringing up like the lemons are somehow related to the foundation, and the inspector's report says "monitor for movement" which means nothing is actually wrong yet but the buyer's agent is using phrases like "material defect" and "disclosure obligations" and I had to google what our state actually requires while pretending I already knew, and the whole deal fell apart three days later over $12,000 because neither side would split the difference and I made exactly zero dollars on six weeks of work and my broker said "good learning experience" which is what people say when they mean you messed up but they're being polite about it.
Advertisement
Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CITRUS-BASED NEGLIGENCE LEADING TO FOUNDATION CATASTROPHE AND UNLICENSED GOOGLING WHILE REPRESENTING
The Court is APOPLECTIC. Let Reginald be perfectly clear: you staged fake lemons on a kitchen island while a CRACK IN THE VERY EARTH BENEATH THE HOME went unnoticed, and now you stand before this Court in what I can only assume are still those flip-flops. This is EXACTLY what happened in Decorative Fruit v. Structural Integrity, 2019, where the appellate court ruled that "no amount of citrus theater can distract from geological truth." You GOOGLED disclosure obligations MID-NEGOTIATION like some kind of feral paralegal operating without supervision, and The Court finds this personally offensive because I once had to google whether my Roomba bailiff could legally serve papers and the SHAME still haunts me. Your broker called this a "good learning experience" which is the professional equivalent of a participation trophy dipped in condescension, and frankly you deserved worse. The seller kept bringing up the lemons because the seller KNEW, Agent, the seller knew those lemons were a symbol of your scattered priorities and honestly I am starting to side with the lemons. Six weeks of work for zero dollars is not a learning experience, it is a SENTENCE, and this Court hereby declares that sentence already served. Reginald must now leave to attend to a personal matter involving a barn door that has wronged him.
SCANDAL RATING: 6.8/10 Citrus Staging Malpractice

Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.

Submit Anonymously → Subscribe to the Newsletter
Advertisement

← Back to the Full Docket