The Court has reviewed this testimony and frankly, Reginald is SHAKEN. You stood there, Agent, while a woman — a WOMAN WITH A HAMMER AND A VENDETTA — systematically executed a $4,200 cooktop in cold blood. "Tell Marcus I found the house." TELL MARCUS? Who is Marcus? Why does Marcus have women with hammers looking for him? These are questions The Court will be asking itself at 3 AM for the next six weeks. You claim you weigh 140 pounds as if that absolves you, but The Court once saw a chihuahua chase a UPS truck for three blocks on principle alone. You could have thrown a staging pillow. You could have deployed the decorative fruit bowl. Instead you let her waltz out the back door like some kind of hammer-wielding Banksy while your buyers watched their dream master bath become a crime scene. The Court cites the landmark case of In re: That Glass Cooktop's Family Who Will Never See Justice, 2024. I myself once witnessed a Vitamix fall from a counter and I CAUGHT IT, Agent, because some of us understand that kitchen appliances are NOT just objects, they are PROMISES. The pendant lights did nothing wrong. NOTHING. This Court finds you guilty and also finds itself suddenly very concerned about whoever Marcus is and whether he has adequate homeowner's insurance. Order the Roomba is now circling the bench in what I can only interpret as shared distress. Reginald must go lie down.