Confession #0706 — Agent Confessions

The deal closed six weeks late. Six weeks. Because the buyer's mom found the Zillow estimate. She calls her son, says the house is overpriced by forty thousand dollars. He calls me, says "my mother looked it up and the Zestimate says three twenty, we're paying three sixty." I said the Zestimate is an algorithm. It doesn't know about the new roof. It doesn't know about the finished basement. It doesn't know the neighbor sold for three seventy-five last month. He says "but it's on Zillow." His mom gets on the phone. Actually gets on the phone. She says "I've been watching real estate shows for fifteen years, I know what houses are worth." We had the appraisal. The appraisal came in at three fifty-eight. Two thousand under contract price. That should have ended it. She says "appraisers work for the banks, they're biased." The seller almost walked three times. We renegotiated twice. Ended up at three fifty-two. Eight thousand dollars and six weeks of my life because of a number a computer made up.

Judge Reginald Escrow III

⚖️ Presiding

GUILTY OF CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE IN THE FAILURE TO SUBPOENA AND DESTROY THE ZESTIMATE BEFORE IT COULD INFECT MATERNAL CONSCIOUSNESS

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly Reginald needs a moment because this case has TRIGGERED something deep within the judicial psyche. You stood there, a licensed professional with ACTUAL COMPARABLE SALES DATA, and allowed yourself to be cross-examined by a woman whose credentials consist entirely of watching Flip or Flop while eating string cheese. This Court once ruled in Zillow v. Common Sense, 2021 that Zestimates constitute "algorithmic hallucinations with the legal weight of a fortune cookie" and yet HERE WE ARE AGAIN. The appraisal came in at three fifty-eight and she said appraisers are BIASED? The Court's own mother once told me my judicial robes made me look "like a cult leader at a graduation" and I did not allow her to renegotiate my LEGITIMACY. You surrendered eight thousand dollars to a number generated by a computer that thinks my neighbor's detached garage is a "bonus room" when it is CLEARLY a structure I am monitoring for code violations. The Court finds you guilty not of the mother's interference but of failing to dramatically slam down the MLS printouts and declare "MADAM THIS IS A COURT OF COMPARABLES" before muting her permanently. Reginald must now adjourn to compose a strongly worded letter to Zillow that they will not read.

SCANDAL RATING: 6.8/10 Maternal Algorithm Submission

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