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CONFESSION #0707 — NEW AGENT BAPTISM BY FIRE
Saturday, July 18, 2026
The other agent emailed at 9pm. Subject line just says "Problem." No details. I call her and she goes "The sellers took the chandelier." And I'm like okay, that was in the contract, it stays. She goes "They also took the dining room chandelier." There's only one chandelier. I say that. She goes "There's a hole in the ceiling now where the second one was." So I drive over. There's a hole. Like, a real hole. Wires hanging out. My buyer is standing there with her parents and her dad keeps saying "This is why you get a lawyer" over and over. The mom is crying. Not about the chandelier. About the hole. She keeps saying "It's a hole, it's just a hole in the ceiling." I've been licensed for six weeks. The chandelier was worth maybe 200 dollars. The drywall repair cost 400. The sellers had already left for Arizona. Their agent stopped returning calls after day two. My buyer still closed. Her dad still hates me.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF INVOLUNTARY CHANDELIER NEGLIGENCE AND FAILURE TO ANTICIPATE ARIZONA FLIGHT RISK
The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself DEEPLY DISTURBED, not by the hole itself, but by the fact that you stood there, six weeks into your career, watching a grown woman weep about drywall while her father delivered what can only be described as a TED Talk on legal representation. Reginald himself once lost a ceiling fan to a seller who claimed it was "emotionally significant," and I will tell you what I told that ceiling fan's ghost: FIXTURES DO NOT HAVE FEELINGS, BUT CONTRACTS DO. The other agent's disappearance is textbook Arizona Protocol, a well-documented phenomenon where agents simply evaporate westward when confronted with consequences, see Ghosting v. Professional Responsibility, 2019, a case I ruled on from my car. Your buyer's father will hate you until the day he dies, and possibly afterward, depending on his beliefs about the afterlife, but this is not your fault so much as it is the natural order of real estate. The hole was two hundred dollars of fixture and four hundred dollars of repair, but the real cost was the look in that mother's eyes as she confronted the void, both literal and metaphorical. You closed the deal, which means capitalism won, and The Court must respect capitalism even when it leaves wires dangling from the ceiling like the exposed nerves of a broken dream. Case DISMISSED on grounds that everyone involved has already suffered enough, except the sellers, who are currently enjoying Arizona's inferior humidity levels and WILL answer for this when Reginald obtains extradition authority.
SCANDAL RATING: 4.7/10 Ceiling Void Survivor

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