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CONFESSION #0714 — NEW AGENT BAPTISM BY FIRE
Tuesday, July 21, 2026
The second showing was supposed to be quick. My buyer wanted another look at the master closet because she was worried her husband's suits wouldn't fit (he has maybe 40 suits, I don't know why, he works in IT) and we get there and the listing agent forgot to tell me the sellers hadn't moved out yet. Like at all. They're sitting in the living room eating lunch. Sandwiches. The wife looks at me like I broke into her house and technically I did use the lockbox so from her perspective yeah. My buyer is standing behind me doing that thing where she's pretending to check her phone but really she's frozen. The husband (the seller husband, not the suit guy) starts yelling about how his agent said Thursday and it was Tuesday, definitely Tuesday, I checked my phone three times while he was yelling. Called my broker from the driveway and she just laughed, said welcome to real estate, which doesn't actually help when your buyer is crying in her Lexus because confrontation makes her sick. We closed on that house six weeks later. The sellers sent a fruit basket to the closing, addressed only to my buyer, not to me, which I think about more than I should.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF UNLAWFUL SANDWICH INTERRUPTION AND AGGRAVATED LOCKBOX TRESPASS IN THE PRESENCE OF DELI MEATS
The Court has reviewed this CATASTROPHIC breach of showing protocol and finds itself deeply disturbed, not merely by the unauthorized Tuesday incursion, but by the AUDACITY of a listing agent who cannot distinguish Thursday from literally any other day of the week. Reginald himself once walked into a staged home only to discover it was not staged at all but simply belonged to a woman named Darlene who had excellent taste and poor locks, and The Court still sends her a holiday card because THAT is how professionals handle accidental home invasion. Your buyer was crying in her Lexus, a vehicle The Court respects, while you stood there watching a man defend his sandwich like it was the Alamo, and yet somehow six weeks later everyone signs papers and exchanges fruit baskets like this is NORMAL. The fruit basket exclusion is the true crime here, a deliberate act of citrus-based psychological warfare designed to remind you that you are merely a transaction facilitator and not a PERSON deserving of pears. This Court has seen listing agents forget lockbox codes, forget showing times, forget entire houses exist, but forgetting to mention the sellers are ACTIVELY RESIDING AND LUNCHING crosses into territory The Court can only describe as real estate malpractice with a side of mayo. The bailiff will note that forty suits for an IT professional is its own separate violation being referred to the Fashion Crimes Division. VERDICT RENDERED, Reginald must now go lie down.
SCANDAL RATING: 6.7/10 Deli Meat Ambush

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