Let The Court be absolutely clear about what has transpired here — you stood THREE DAYS from closing, THREE DAYS from that transmission repair, THREE DAYS from financial dignity, and you allowed a woman with 800 Instagram followers and a certificate she probably printed at FedEx to WALTZ into your transaction and whisper about CELLULAR COMMUNICATION with a SPLIT-LEVEL RANCH. The Court has seen this before, in the landmark case of Common Sense v. That One Buyer Who Consulted A Psychic About A Duplex, 2022, and the precedent is DAMNING. You should have recognized the warning signs the moment your buyer uttered the phrase "trust the process" — that phrase has NEVER preceded a rational decision in the history of American real estate, and Reginald would know because Reginald once trusted the process on a timeshare presentation in Branson and emerged four hours later with a deed to something called a "vacation interval." The real crime here is that this so-called coach charged $400 a month for WEEKLY ZOOM CALLS when The Court's own therapist charges $200 for MONTHLY sessions and at least she has the decency to tell me my problems are real. Your seller is moving to Arizona, your transmission is SCREAMING YES louder than any house ever could, and you let a former mortgage processor with sunset stock photos convince a grown woman that residential properties have OPINIONS. The gavel falls, Order the Roomba is circling ominously, and The Court finds you guilty of insufficient defense against weaponized vibes.