Advertisement
CONFESSION #0747 — REAL ESTATE SCHOOL VS. REALITY
Sunday, August 2, 2026
Closing was at 2pm. Everyone's there, title company, buyers, sellers, loan officer on the phone. We're signing papers and the buyer stops on page 12 and goes wait, where's the pool. There's no pool. There was never a pool. The listing said "community pool access" which means there's a pool at the HOA clubhouse three blocks away. She thought that meant the house had a pool. She toured the house twice. The backyard is grass. Just grass. She stood in the backyard both times.
Her husband starts yelling at me about false advertising and I'm showing him the MLS sheet, I'm showing him the photos, there's not a single picture of a pool because there isn't one. He keeps saying the pool was implied. The pool was implied because the neighborhood looked like a pool neighborhood. That's what he said. A pool neighborhood.
They walked. Forty-five minutes into closing, $380,000 sale, they walked over a pool that doesn't exist and never existed. Sellers are crying, they'd already put earnest money down on their next place. Title company charged us for the room anyway.
Real estate school, we spent two weeks on easements. Two full weeks. Nobody once mentioned that a grown adult might imagine a pool into existence and then blame you when reality doesn't match whatever movie was playing in their head. There should be a whole chapter. Chapter 9, People Will Invent Features And Then Get Mad At You. That's the curriculum now.
Advertisement
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF SURVIVING AGGRAVATED POOL HALLUCINATION IN THE FIRST DEGREE
The Court has reviewed the evidence and finds itself PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTED by the audacity of buyers who tour a property TWICE, stand in a backyard that is demonstrably, provably, GRASSILY poolless, and then manifest an aquatic fever dream at the closing table. "The pool was implied because the neighborhood looked like a pool neighborhood" is not a legal argument, it is something a person says right before they ask to speak to the manager of reality itself. Reginald once had a buyer insist a house came with a boat because the previous owner had a fishing trophy on the mantle, so The Court is INTIMATELY familiar with the phenomenon of people inventing amenities from vibes. You showed them the MLS, you showed them the photos, you showed them the LITERAL GRASS UPON WHICH THEY STOOD WITH THEIR OWN FEET, and still this man had the unmitigated gall to invoke the doctrine of Implied Pool Neighborhood, which I assure you is NOT A THING and will never be a thing no matter how many polo shirts he owns. The sellers are weeping, the title company is billing you for a room that became a therapy session, and somewhere a community pool sits three blocks away, CLEARLY REFERENCED IN THE LISTING, wondering why nobody reads anymore. This Court finds you GUILTY only of being present while adults chose chaos, and sentences the buyers to mandatory literacy testing before any future real estate transaction. The gavel has spoken, Order the Roomba is circling in what I can only interpret as agreement, and Reginald must now leave to update his curriculum proposal.
PHANTOM POOL SYNDROME
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
Advertisement