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CONFESSION #0754 — SELLER WHO KEPT CHANGING THINGS
Tuesday, August 4, 2026
We lost the earnest money dispute. Eight thousand dollars gone because my seller decided three days before closing that she wanted to keep the washer and dryer. They were in the contract. Explicitly. I have the addendum with her signature on it. But she calls me at 11pm saying her mother gave her that dryer and she can't part with it, and I'm trying to explain that we're past inspection, past appraisal, the buyers have already packed their apartment.
She tells the buyers they can have the ones from her storage unit instead. The buyers say no. She says they're being difficult. I say you signed a legal document. She says she didn't read it carefully. The deal falls apart over a dryer that's maybe worth 400 dollars.
Her mother's been dead for 12 years.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED APPLIANCE ATTACHMENT DISORDER RESULTING IN CONTRACTUAL HOMICIDE
The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly, Reginald needs a moment. TWELVE YEARS. The mother has been deceased for TWELVE YEARS and we are torpedoing an eight thousand dollar earnest money deposit over a DRYER that has been spinning in spiritual limbo since the Obama administration. This Court has seen emotional attachments to property before — I myself once refused to sell a condo because the previous owner's cat had looked at me with what I can only describe as approval — but this is BEYOND. Your seller did not fail to read the addendum carefully, she read it with the same attention she apparently gives to the passage of TIME ITSELF. Per the landmark decision in Whirlpool v. Letting Go, 2019, sentimental value does not supersede ink on paper, and ghosts cannot cosign contracts NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE WISH THEY COULD. The buyers were not being difficult, they were being people who wanted the appliances they were LEGALLY PROMISED instead of mystery units from a storage facility that probably smells like regret and old Christmas decorations. You, agent, are guilty only of witnessing a woman choose a twelve-year-old dryer over eight thousand dollars of someone else's money, which is the most unhinged math The Court has encountered since I tried to calculate the emotional square footage of my own childhood bedroom. VERDICT RENDERED, and The Court must now go call his mother while she is still alive.
Posthumous Appliance Hostage Crisis
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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