The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself DEEPLY TROUBLED by the defendant's apparent belief that walking a basement eight times constitutes some form of due diligence when CLEARLY the only acceptable number of basement walks is nine, at which point the cast iron pipes reveal their secrets like a weeping informant. Let the record show that Reginald himself once trusted a basement in 1987 and that basement BETRAYED HIM in ways this court is not prepared to discuss, suffice to say The Council of Gavels still holds an emergency session every October fifteenth. The defendant stands here claiming the inspection scope showed a clear line, as if pipes do not possess the constitutional right to collapse WHENEVER THEY PLEASE, a right established in Plumbing v. Homeowner Optimism, 1952, the same year that TREACHEROUS cast iron was installed. And NOW we have a father appearing at open houses like some kind of haunted Zillow listing, traumatizing six potential clients who came for granite countertops and left with SECONDHAND SEWAGE ANXIETY. The Court notes that the seller has fled to Arizona, which is not a state but rather a legal concept meaning quote I am beyond consequences unquote, and frankly Reginald is considering relocating there himself after this case. This Court hereby declares the defendant guilty not of malice but of participating in a housing market where seventy-year-old pipes are allowed to simply EXIST beneath properties like subterranean time bombs waiting to detonate on innocent buyers whose fathers have NOTHING BETTER TO DO than follow agents across town.