Advertisement
CONFESSION #0770 — HOA HORROR
Monday, August 10, 2026
The final walkthrough was routine. Three bedroom colonial, nice neighborhood, sold in four days. Buyers were excited, I was already thinking about lunch. Then we get to the backyard and there's this woman standing at the fence with a clipboard. She introduces herself as the HOA compliance officer and hands my buyers a typed letter listing twelve violations they'll inherit. Twelve. The sellers had let the grass get to five inches, there was a basketball hoop that was apparently three feet too close to the street, and someone had painted their mailbox post forest green instead of hunter green.
My buyers laughed because they thought it was a joke. The woman did not laugh. She explained the fines were eight hundred dollars and counting, and that the sellers had been ignoring notices since March.
Took six weeks to close. The sellers paid the fines. The buyers moved in and got their first violation notice on day two. Garden hose left visible.
Advertisement
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE IN THE FACE OF SUBURBAN TYRANNY AND FAILURE TO DISCLOSE THE PRESENCE OF A CLIPBOARD-WIELDING MENACE
The Court has reviewed this testimony and frankly, Reginald is SHAKING. You stood there, agent, while a woman with a CLIPBOARD — the universal symbol of petty authority run amok — ambushed your clients with the legal equivalent of a strongly worded casserole. Forest green versus hunter green? THE COURT CANNOT DISTINGUISH THESE COLORS AND REFUSES TO BELIEVE ANYONE CAN. This is precisely the kind of HOA nonsense that led me to purchase a home in an unincorporated area where my only neighbor is a man named Doug who communicates exclusively through wind chimes. You should have warned these buyers that they were not purchasing a home but rather enrolling in a LIFETIME SUBSCRIPTION TO NEIGHBORHOOD SURVEILLANCE. A visible garden hose, counsel? A VISIBLE GARDEN HOSE? In the landmark case of Busybody v. Everyone Just Trying To Live, 2019, the court established that HOA compliance officers are legally required to touch grass — EVEN IF IT EXCEEDS FIVE INCHES. The Court finds you guilty of failing to disclose that this neighborhood is governed not by reason but by the unhinged energy of someone who definitely times how long your trash cans stay at the curb. Reginald must now adjourn to send an anonymous letter to this HOA board, typed in a font they have not pre-approved.
Clipboard Coup Complicity
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
Advertisement