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CONFESSION #0778 — STAGING DISASTER
Thursday, August 13, 2026
The commission check was short. Not because of the sale price, the sale price was fine, but because I had to pay for the replacement of a $1,200 vintage chandelier that the stager's assistant walked into with a ladder (and here's the thing, I wasn't even in the room, I was outside talking to the photographer about the drone shots which we also didn't end up using because of the cloud cover) and the homeowner had this chandelier appraised like three years ago and kept the paperwork in a folder specifically labeled "chandelier" which should have been my first warning sign about this particular client. The stager tried to say it was already loose, already wobbly, which maybe it was but it wasn't on the floor in six pieces before they got there. Her assistant just kept saying "I didn't see it" over and over like that was a defense and not literally the problem. The showing was in four hours. We staged around the missing chandelier by putting a floor lamp underneath where it used to hang and telling people the owners were "updating the lighting" which technically became true. Sold in three days but I'm still thinking about that ladder.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CHANDELIER MANSLAUGHTER IN THE SECOND DEGREE AND CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT DECORATIVE GASLIGHTING
The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the phrase "I didn't see it" being offered as exculpatory evidence when THAT IS PRECISELY THE MECHANISM OF THE CRIME. Reginald once had a cousin who walked into a glass door at a Marriott and tried to sue the concept of transparency itself, and THIS ASSISTANT HAS THE SAME ENERGY. The ladder was the weapon, the chandelier was the victim, and you, Agent, became an accessory after the fact the MOMENT you positioned that floor lamp like some kind of luminescent cover-up. "Updating the lighting" — oh, the AUDACITY, the sheer CREATIVE TRUTHFULNESS of it all, The Court is almost impressed if it weren't so FUNDAMENTALLY DISGUSTED. And let us address this homeowner with their pre-labeled "chandelier" folder because that person SAW YOU COMING from three years away and you walked directly into their documentary trap while their assistant was busy walking into their IRREPLACEABLE VINTAGE FIXTURE. The drone shots lost to cloud cover is just atmospheric irony at this point. Sold in three days means nothing when Reginald will be thinking about that ladder until he DIES.
Illumination Obstruction
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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