Advertisement
CONFESSION #0807 — POST-CLOSE CATASTROPHE
Sunday, August 23, 2026
The MLS listing had a mistake. Previous agent put 2,400 square feet when the house was 1,400. Nobody caught it. Not me, not the buyer, not the appraiser somehow, not the lender. We closed on a Thursday. Buyer moves in Saturday, starts measuring for furniture, calls me Sunday morning absolutely losing it.
And here's the thing, here's what kills me — the price was right for 1,400 square feet. The comps made sense. Everyone who walked through that house saw what they saw. But this guy, he's got the printout, he's waving the printout, and he's saying I lied to him about a thousand square feet.
A thousand square feet. That's not a typo. That's an entire apartment worth of space that doesn't exist.
His wife wants to rescind. His attorney is calling my broker. My broker is calling our E&O insurance. The seller's agent isn't returning anyone's calls because she retired literally the day after closing. Moved to Arizona. Phone goes straight to voicemail.
The buyer paid 340. House is worth 340. Maybe 345. There's no damages. His attorney knows there's no damages. But now we're doing mediation because he feels deceived, and mediation costs money, and my broker is looking at me like I should have caught this even though I wasn't the listing agent, I was just the buyer's agent, and since when is it my job to measure every single room with a tape measure.
Since now apparently. Since now it's my job.
Advertisement
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF FIRST-DEGREE SQUARE FOOTAGE FRAUD WITH INTENT TO DECEIVE, CONSPIRACY TO PROPAGATE FICTIONAL REAL ESTATE, AND AGGRAVATED RELIANCE ON THE EYEBALLS OF OTHERS
The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the sheer audacity of one thousand missing square feet simply waltzing out of existence like they had somewhere better to be. You stand here, before Reginald, claiming innocence because you were MERELY the buyer's agent, as if that title grants you diplomatic immunity from the basic laws of spatial reality. A THOUSAND SQUARE FEET is not a rounding error, it is a studio apartment in Cleveland, it is a small bowling alley, it is the precise amount of space The Court once lost in a divorce that Reginald does not wish to discuss further. You say the comps made sense, you say the price was right, and yet you failed to notice that your buyer was purchasing what amounts to a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT HOUSE than the one described in sacred MLS documentation, which The Court considers only slightly less binding than the Constitution and significantly more binding than whatever Arizona retirement community is currently harboring your co-conspirator. The appraiser missed it, the lender missed it, you missed it, and now everyone is pointing fingers while that retired listing agent sips margaritas in Scottsdale with her phone conveniently deceased, and The Court finds this CHAIN OF INCOMPETENCE so offensive that I must now adjourn to consult with The Council about whether gavels can be thrown across state lines.
Phantom Footage Fiasco
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
Advertisement