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CONFESSION #0811 — HOA HORROR
Monday, August 24, 2026
There was a second lien nobody mentioned. That's not even the HOA part, that's just how the whole thing started. We clear that up, takes three weeks, finally get to closing and the title company calls me and says there's an HOA transfer fee of eighteen hundred dollars that wasn't disclosed. Fine. Buyers are annoyed but they pay it. Then we get a letter, actual paper letter, saying the seller owes four thousand in back dues and there's a lien on the property and we can't close.
The seller swears she paid everything. Swears on her kids. The HOA management company says no, she hasn't paid since 2021. Turns out there's two management companies. The old one and the new one. The old one was collecting payments and apparently just keeping them? Or lost them? Nobody knows. The new company has no records of anything before March of last year.
We spent six days on the phone with people who kept transferring us to other people. The HOA board president works nights at a hospital and would only talk between 6 and 7 AM. One board member was in Costa Rica for a month.
Buyers almost walked. Would've cost me the whole commission plus the marketing I already paid for. We ended up splitting the four thousand three ways, me and the seller and the buyers, just to make it close. I ate thirteen hundred dollars because two companies couldn't figure out who had the checkbook.
The house was two hundred and ten thousand. My split was maybe six. I made nothing.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF INVOLUNTARY HOA MANSLAUGHTER IN THE SECOND DEGREE WITH AGGRAVATED MANAGEMENT COMPANY CONFUSION
The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT A CONDO IN 2017 EXCEPT IT WAS ABOUT A POOL KEY AND I STILL DO NOT HAVE THAT POOL KEY. You, agent, stumbled into the Bermuda Triangle of homeowner associations, where payments enter and never return, where board presidents work vampire hours, and where Costa Rica apparently has no extradition treaty for fiduciary negligence. The Court finds you guilty not of wrongdoing but of being the only competent adult in a room full of filing cabinets that have apparently achieved sentience and chosen chaos. You ate thirteen hundred dollars because two management companies were playing hot potato with a checkbook while a woman swore on her children, which The Court notes is INADMISSIBLE but emotionally compelling. In the landmark case of HOA v. Basic Record Keeping, 2019, the court ruled that any organization requiring both a 6 AM phone call AND a Costa Rican sabbatical to resolve a four thousand dollar dispute has forfeited its right to exist. You made nothing on two hundred and ten thousand dollars, and The Court is genuinely furious on your behalf. BAILIFF ROOMBA, CLEAR THE CHAMBER, REGINALD MUST NOW GO YELL AT A MANAGEMENT COMPANY THAT OWES HIM PERSONALLY.
Bureaucratic Hostage Situation
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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