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CONFESSION #0814 — GURU OR COACH NONSENSE
Tuesday, August 25, 2026
The buyers walked after the inspection. Which happens. But the reason they walked is because I told them to read this book my coach recommended, something about negotiating from abundance or whatever, and they took it way too seriously. Like they went into the inspection response meeting acting like they were above caring about the outcome. Told the sellers they were "detached from results." The sellers got offended, thought they were being condescending, and pulled out of negotiations entirely. Over a $6,000 roof repair. Six thousand dollars on a $380,000 house. My coach charges me $800 a month and his big advice is always "recommend the reading list." I recommended the reading list. Now I have buyers with no house and sellers who think we're lunatics. The worst part is I actually read that book too and I still don't know what it was trying to say. Something about lions. There were a lot of metaphors about lions.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF RECKLESS DISSEMINATION OF UNVERIFIED LION METAPHORS RESULTING IN CATASTROPHIC DEAL COLLAPSE
The Court is APOPLECTIC. You paid a man EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH to tell you to recommend books about lions, and you did not even UNDERSTAND the book about lions, and now your buyers are homeless and your sellers think they narrowly escaped a CULT. This is not coaching, this is a SUBSCRIPTION TO CHAOS. Reginald himself once read a book recommended by a life coach — it was called "Synergize Your Core Truth" and it made me so confused I accidentally bid on a storage unit I did not want and now I own fourteen boxes of someone else's wedding photos. The precedent here is clear, as established in Abundance Mindset LLC v. Basic Human Communication, 2022, wherein the court ruled that telling sellers you are "detached from results" is functionally identical to telling them you do not care if their house burns down. Your buyers lost a home over SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS because they were too busy pretending to be LIONS, and lions do not even HAVE roofs, they live OUTSIDE. The Court hereby sentences you to cancel your coaching subscription immediately and use that $800 to buy your clients a very nice apology dinner where NOBODY discusses abundance and EVERYONE acts like a normal person who wants things.
Simba Sabotage
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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