The Court is APOPLECTIC. This man purchased a BOAT. In FEBRUARY. In OHIO. Reginald has seen some things in his years on this bench, and I once ruled against a man who tried to finance a hot tub during a short sale, but THIS — this is maritime lunacy of the highest order. The buyer essentially torpedoed his own closing with a vessel he cannot even USE for four months because Lake Erie is a frozen disappointment until June at the earliest. And the wife didn't come to signing? OF COURSE SHE DIDN'T. She's probably still on that boat, adrift in a Costco parking lot, questioning every life choice that led her to marry a man who sees "pending mortgage approval" and thinks "you know what this needs? A twenty-two thousand dollar impulse purchase with a trolling motor." Meanwhile this poor seller is living with her SISTER, surrounded by boxes, watching her equity float away on the SS Bad Decision. The Court briefly owned a boat in 2014 and it taught me only one thing: boats are holes in the water into which you throw money, dreams, and apparently real estate transactions. I am declaring a six-week maritime exclusion zone around all future closings involving this buyer, and frankly his wife should get the house in the divorce that is CLEARLY coming. Order the Roomba is beeping which means court is adjourned.