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CONFESSION #0847 — ZILLOW ESTIMATE WAR
Sunday, September 6, 2026
The open house went fine. Good turnout, maybe 12 groups through. Couple comes back for a second look two days later, they're interested, they want to write an offer.
Then the husband pulls out his phone and goes "But Zillow says it's worth 40 thousand less than asking."
And I said okay, well, Zillow's algorithm doesn't know about the new HVAC or the roof from last year.
He goes "But Zillow factors in recent sales."
I said Zillow can't see inside the house, it doesn't know what's been updated.
He goes "My buddy's a data scientist, he says these models are actually really accurate."
I just stood there. The wife is looking at the ceiling like she's not part of this.
He wanted me to call my seller and say hey, a computer disagrees with your price. A computer that thought a house in my neighborhood was worth 800 thousand because it misread the lot size by a factor of ten.
They didn't write an offer. He's still sending me Zillow links.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF RIGHTEOUS DEFIANCE AGAINST ALGORITHMIC OVERREACH IN THE FIRST DEGREE
The Court has reviewed this confession and finds the defendant NOT GUILTY of any actual wrongdoing but EXTREMELY GUILTY of not going far enough. You stood there? You STOOD THERE? When a man invoked his data scientist buddy, The Court would have produced a three-ring binder titled "Times Zillow Thought a Garage Was a Four-Bedroom Colonial" and SLAMMED it on the kitchen island. Reginald once watched a Zestimate claim a condemned property with no plumbing was worth four hundred thousand dollars because it was "near a Whole Foods," and I have not known peace since. The wife looking at the ceiling is the universal signal for "I will be filing for divorce within eighteen months," and The Court wishes her well. This husband is still sending you Zillow links because you gave him the dignity of a measured response when what he deserved was to be asked why he bothered hiring an agent if a website knows everything. IN THE LANDMARK CASE OF Zillow v. Anyone Who Has Ever Actually Been Inside A House, 2022, the algorithm was found liable for CHRONIC DELUSION and sentenced to stop pretending it understands crown molding. The Court hereby orders you to block his number and move on with your life, because Reginald must now adjourn to argue with his refrigerator about property values.
Algorithmic Insubordination Tolerated
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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