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CONFESSION #0880 — SHOWING GONE WRONG
Friday, September 18, 2026
The HOA sent a letter. Three days after closing, the HOA sent a letter because apparently during the final walkthrough my buyer's kid (who I didn't even know was coming, the mom just showed up with him, he's maybe 10) found the garage door opener and thought it would be hilarious to open and close it repeatedly for like six minutes straight while we were upstairs looking at the master bath, and the neighbor across the street has a security camera that caught the whole thing and filed a noise complaint, which okay fine but then it turns out the repeated cycling burned out the motor (this is what the seller claims) and now they want $1,200 for a new Chamberlain unit and my broker is asking why I let a child operate mechanical systems during a showing and I'm like he was in the GARAGE, I was showing the BATHROOM, the mom was taking pictures of the closet organization system, I cannot be in three places, and the seller's agent keeps texting me the security footage like I haven't already seen it twelve times, the kid is just standing there pressing the button over and over with this completely blank face like he's hypnotized, and my buyer thinks it's funny which it objectively is not because now I have to figure out if my E&O covers garage door motors destroyed by minors and I genuinely don't know the answer to that
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF NEGLIGENT SUPERVISION OF A MINOR MECHANICAL TERRORIST AND ACCESSORY TO GARAGE DOOR HOMICIDE IN THE FIRST DEGREE
The Court has reviewed the evidence, including what you describe as security footage of a ten-year-old pressing a button with the emotional vacancy of someone who has already chosen their path in life, and Reginald is DISTURBED. You claim you cannot be in three places at once, and yet this Court manages to be simultaneously disappointed, appalled, and hungry for lunch, so your excuse holds NO WATER. The child was not hypnotized, counsel, the child was UNLEASHED, a chaos agent in cargo shorts who you permitted to interface with a Chamberlain unit that never asked for this, that simply wanted to open and close at reasonable intervals like a CIVILIZED MECHANISM. I once watched my nephew destroy a ceiling fan by throwing a shoe at it and I said nothing because I feared him, so I understand the paralysis, but I did not then ask my errors and omissions carrier to cover my cowardice. Your buyer thinks this is funny because your buyer raised a garage door assassin and has made peace with that choice, but this Court has NOT made peace, this Court is at WAR with the very concept of final walkthroughs that include unsupervised minors with access to wall-mounted buttons. The mother was photographing a closet organization system while her offspring committed motor burnout with the blank determination of a congressional witness, and you were SHOWING THE BATHROOM as Rome burned and the Chamberlain unit drew its final breath. TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS and one broker who will never look at you the same way again, this is the cost of your inattention, and Reginald rules that you shall pay it in full while watching that security footage a thirteenth time, because the universe demands symmetry. VERDICT RENDERED, THE COURT MUST NOW GO LIE DOWN.
CHAMBERLAIN HOMICIDE BY PROXY
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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