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CONFESSION #0883 — THE LISTING THAT WOULDN'T DIE
Saturday, September 19, 2026
The wire didn't arrive. The wire that was supposed to fund the closing at 2pm didn't arrive and the seller (who had already loaded the moving truck and was literally idling in the driveway of her new place three states away) called me screaming that she was going to sue everyone including me personally and I'm trying to explain that the title company is working on it while also texting the buyer's lender who keeps saying "processing" like that means anything and this is the same house that took 14 months to sell because the first buyer's financing fell through at inspection, second buyer discovered her husband was leaving her during the option period, third buyer just disappeared (like stopped answering all communication for 6 days then texted "changed my mind" at 11pm), and the fourth buyer who we're closing with today or trying to had already asked for 3 extensions because of some issue with his 401k withdrawal that nobody could explain clearly and I told the seller back in month 8 that maybe we should consider a price reduction and she said "my house is worth what it's worth" which okay sure but also it sat empty for over a year while she paid two mortgages and now the wire showed up at 4:47 and we closed but she's still mad at me specifically for reasons I genuinely cannot identify.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED WIRE ANXIETY IN THE FIRST DEGREE WITH CONCURRENT CHARGES OF SURVIVING A CURSED LISTING
The Court has reviewed this FOURTEEN MONTH ODYSSEY OF SUFFERING and finds itself genuinely impressed that you are still functioning as a human being. Let Reginald be clear: you shepherded a transaction through a financing collapse, a DIVORCE REVELATION during option period, a buyer who simply VANISHED INTO THE ETHER like a ghost who got bored of haunting, and a fourth buyer whose 401k apparently required consultation with ancient oracles to access. The seller paid two mortgages for over a year because her house was quote worth what it was worth unquote, which is the real estate equivalent of standing in the rain insisting you are dry. And NOW she is mad at YOU because a wire arrived at 4:47 instead of 2:00, as if you personally control the Federal Reserve's processing queue, which I have TRIED to do and they will not return my calls. This Court once waited eleven minutes for a title company to locate a notary and I nearly called the National Guard, so I understand wire rage, but directing it at the agent who survived this cursed property is like blaming the lighthouse keeper for the storm. The transaction closed, the seller is three states away in her new driveway, and The Court rules that you are owed not an apology but a PARADE. Reginald must now go lie down.
Cursed Closing Survivor
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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