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CONFESSION #0899 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Thursday, September 24, 2026
We were three days from closing. Three days, and the buyer calls me at 11 pm to tell me she's not sure about the neighborhood anymore because she drove by at night and saw a man walking a small dog and he looked at her car for too long (her words, looked at her car for too long) and now she wants to know if I can find out who he is and whether he lives on the street or was just visiting. I said I can't do that, that's not something I can do, and she said well can you find out if there's a neighborhood watch because if there's a neighborhood watch maybe they'd know, and I explained that's also not my role here, and she got quiet and then asked if the seller would let her out of the contract without losing her earnest money which was twelve thousand dollars. Over a man walking a dog. A small dog, she kept emphasizing that, like the size of the dog made it more suspicious somehow. We closed, eventually, but she called me twice more about the dog man and I still don't know what she wanted me to say.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF FAILURE TO IDENTIFY THE DOG MAN IN VIOLATION OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD SURVEILLANCE EXPECTATIONS ACT OF 2019
The Court has reviewed this confession with the gravitas it deserves, which is to say Reginald is now PERSONALLY INVESTED in the identity of Dog Man and frankly disturbed that you closed without resolving this critical intelligence gap. She saw a man, she saw a small dog, she saw him LOOKING AT HER CAR, and you offered her NOTHING but professional boundaries and reasonable explanations of your job duties? THIS IS NOT A THERAPY SESSION, COUNSEL, this is REAL ESTATE, where we are expected to be part-time private investigators, part-time neighborhood anthropologists, and full-time validators of every paranoid theory our clients develop after 9 pm! The Court notes that small dogs ARE statistically more suspicious than large dogs, this is established in Pomeranian v. The Concept of Trust, 2017, a case I ruled on from my living room. Reginald himself once refused to purchase a condominium because a woman in the parking garage nodded at him with what I can only describe as excessive familiarity, so The Court understands the buyer's concerns MORE than you apparently did. You should have knocked on every door within a three-block radius holding a photograph you sketched from her description asking DO YOU KNOW THIS MAN AND HIS SMALL DOG, but instead you hid behind professionalism like a COWARD. The gavel has spoken, Order the Roomba is circling the bench in what I interpret as agreement, and Reginald must now go because there is a man walking past my window and I need to document his route.
SCANDAL RATING: 6.4/10 DOG MAN DERELICTION

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