The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL with disappointment. You stood in that living room, phone aloft like some sort of battery-depleted Statue of Liberty, while $485,000 walked out the door and into the arms of another agent who presumably owns a CHARGING CABLE. Let Reginald be clear: Windows Update is not a natural disaster, it is a SCHEDULED INCONVENIENCE that announces itself days in advance like a polite houseguest you CHOSE TO IGNORE. The husband asked about the water heater and you said hold on? HOLD ON? The Court once held on for forty-five minutes at a Verizon store and emerged a changed man, but that is IRRELEVANT because at least I had a fully charged phone. And now you think about that kitchen island, do you? You LIE AWAKE haunted by quartz countertops and pendant lighting? GOOD. That island deserved better. That island deserved an agent who checks their battery percentage before leaving the house like a FUNCTIONING ADULT. The wife kept mentioning it, you say, as if this detail exonerates you rather than DEEPENING YOUR SHAME. The Court sentences you to carry three backup batteries, two mobile hotspots, and the weight of that island's memory for the remainder of your career. Reginald has spoken and must now go update his own devices because HE IS NOT A HYPOCRITE.