Confession #0956 — Agent Confessions

The appraisal came in low. Like, 40 grand low. And the sellers are losing their minds because Zillow says their house is worth 615 and the appraiser came back at 540 and they're sending me screenshots. Multiple screenshots. Of the Zestimate. Like I can call the appraiser and show him a screenshot from a website and he's gonna go oh my mistake, let me just add 75 thousand dollars to my professional assessment. The thing that kills me is we actually got an offer at 580, which was great, we were all happy, the buyers waived inspection which never happens anymore, and then the appraisal just. Destroys everything. Buyers can't bring 40k extra to closing, obviously. Sellers won't drop the price because Zillow told them their house is worth more. And I'm sitting here trying to explain that Zillow doesn't know about the foundation crack in the basement or the fact that the "fourth bedroom" doesn't have a closet so it legally doesn't count. They actually said to me, and I quote, "But it updated yesterday and it went up." It went up. Like it's a stock ticker. Like some algorithm in California knows more than the guy who physically walked through your house with a tape measure. The husband keeps asking if we can appeal. Sure. We can appeal. It costs money and takes three weeks and works maybe 12 percent of the time but sure let's appeal because Zillow dot com said so.

Judge Reginald Escrow III

⚖️ Presiding

GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED ZESTIMATE WORSHIP IN THE FIRST DEGREE WITH MALICIOUS SCREENSHOT DISTRIBUTION

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself TREMBLING with a rage typically reserved for barn doors installed in non-farmhouse settings. Let Reginald be absolutely clear: Zillow is not a witness, it is not an expert, and it most certainly is not admissible in any court over which this gavel presides. As established in the landmark case of Algorithm v. Guy With Actual Eyeballs Who Saw The Foundation Crack, 2022, a computer in California cannot smell the mildew that the appraiser definitely smelled. Your sellers are citing a WEBSITE that once valued my own nephew's toolshed at 89 thousand dollars — a toolshed that does not have plumbing, electricity, OR the basic dignity of a door that closes properly, much like their so-called fourth bedroom which THE COURT NOTES IS LEGALLY A LARGE CLOSET AT BEST. The husband wants to appeal because the number went up yesterday? IT WENT UP? This is not the NASDAQ, this is not cryptocurrency, this is a HOUSE with a CRACK in its FOUNDATION and a bedroom that fails to meet the most fundamental criterion of bedroomhood! I once dated a woman who believed her horoscope more than her accountant and she is now living in a yurt, which is WHERE YOUR SELLERS ARE HEADED if they continue to worship at the altar of the Zestimate. The Court rules that you are guilty only of patience, the screenshot-senders are guilty of terminal delusion, and Reginald must now adjourn because his blood pressure medication is in the other room.

SCANDAL RATING: 5.7/10 Algorithmic Delusion Syndrome

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