The Court has witnessed many tragedies in its distinguished career, but RARELY has Reginald beheld such a preventable catastrophe born of sheer digital negligence. You stood there, checkbook in view, deal on the precipice of glory, and your iPad — YOUR IPAD — chose that moment to stage what can only be described as a silicon rebellion. And why? Because you changed your phone number THREE YEARS AGO and never updated your security settings? The Court once lost a ruling because my printer ran out of cyan ink during a critical verdict, and I have never emotionally recovered, so perhaps I am projecting, but THIS IS INEXCUSABLE. You attended a conference, counsel, a BROKERAGE-FUNDED CONFERENCE, and your own technology treated you like a foreign operative. The sister, whoever she is, did not kill this deal — your failure to maintain operational readiness did. The Court hereby sentences you to carry no fewer than three backup devices at all times, and also to write a formal letter of apology to that kitchen, which deserved better. Reginald must now go update his own two-factor authentication because this case has made him paranoid.