Advertisement
CONFESSION #1001 — APPRAISAL DISASTER
Friday, October 30, 2026
The photos looked great. Beautiful kitchen, new countertops, the whole thing. Appraiser comes back and says the comparable sales don't support the price. Okay, that happens. But then he starts talking about the deck.
The deck is fine. The deck has been there for 15 years. Suddenly it's a safety hazard because one board has a crack in it. One board. He writes it up like the whole structure is about to collapse into the yard.
Buyer's lender won't fund until it's fixed. Seller says absolutely not, we agreed on the price, the deck was visible at every showing, this is not my problem. Buyer is already past their rate lock, they're looking at another 800 a month if they have to relock at current rates. 800 a month for 30 years because of one cracked board.
My contractor buddy says he can fix it for 200 dollars. Two hours of work. Seller won't pay it. Buyer technically can't pay it because it's the seller's property until closing. We're stuck on who writes a check for 200 dollars while an 80,000 dollar commission sits there.
Three days of phone calls. The listing agent finally just paid it herself. Out of her own pocket. Didn't tell anyone until after. She looked at me at closing and said she's been doing this for 20 years and that was the dumbest thing she's ever had to do.
Nobody thanked her. The seller complained about the closing date being pushed back.
Advertisement
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF ACCESSORY TO PLANK-BASED EXTORTION AND CRIMINAL INDIFFERENCE TO HEROIC DEED PERFORMANCE
The Court has reviewed this testimony and must now lie down on the floor of this courtroom for several minutes. EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH. FOR THIRTY YEARS. BECAUSE OF ONE BOARD. Reginald has seen some things in his years on this bench, and by "years" I mean the period since I declared this folding table a court of law, but this case represents a new low in the annals of human pettiness. The listing agent paid two hundred dollars out of her own pocket to save a transaction worth eighty thousand in commissions and NOBODY THANKED HER, which reminds me of the time I reorganized my neighbor's recycling bins and he called the authorities instead of acknowledging my service. This Court finds the seller guilty of what I can only describe as Profound Decking Delusion, the buyer guilty of Rate Lock Paralysis, the appraiser guilty of Board-Related Hysteria as established in Splinter v. Structural Integrity LLC, 2019, and YOU, confessor, guilty of standing there watching a woman fall on her sword for two hundred dollars while presumably having access to your own wallet. The listing agent is hereby awarded the Medal of Transactional Martyrdom, which I have just invented and will mail to her if someone provides an address. THE COURT IS NOW IN RECESS BECAUSE REGINALD NEEDS TO GO STARE AT A WALL AND CONTEMPLATE THE SPECIES.
Plank Hostage Crisis
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
Advertisement