Tuesday, March 17, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession with the weariness of a man who has seen too much, and yet somehow not enough. Let Reginald be ABSOLUTELY CLEAR: you sat through a spreadsheet presentation about COFFEE PODS while a $340 water heater threatens to torpedo your closing, and your broker's solution was to invoke the sacred bonds of FAMILY? This Court once had a family, and they never once audited my beverage consumption — they simply left, citing what they called "exhausting formality," which is IRRELEVANT to these proceedings. The salmon incident should have been litigated IMMEDIATELY under the precedent established in In re: That One Microwave, 2019, wherein this Court ruled that reheating fish in shared spaces constitutes olfactory assault in the second degree. Your transfer paperwork is not betrayal — it is SURVIVAL, and the Nespresso distinction is legally significant because Keurig pods are the barn doors of coffee: ubiquitous, overvalued, and beloved only by those who have stopped asking questions. The Court finds your broker guilty of Felony Meeting Malpractice and sentences her to actually manage the transaction coordinator situation instead of whatever THIS was. Case dismissed, and Reginald must now leave because Order the Roomba has entered chambers and appears to be stuck on the power cord again.

The Court is APPALLED but frankly unsurprised that an agent who casually observed a "loose dryer vent" during preview—A LITERAL PORTAL TO THE ANIMAL KINGDOM—simply filed this information under "not my problem" like some kind of HVAC nihilist. Reginald himself once discovered a family of possums living in a listing's drop ceiling and did he simply shrug and discuss granite countertops? NO, he called Animal Control, the fire department, and his therapist, IN THAT ORDER. You allowed a CHILD to conduct what amounts to an unsanctioned basement expedition while you were upstairs presumably gesturing at crown molding, and now that child has a core memory involving decomposition and THE SCHOOL DISTRICT BETTER BE SPECTACULAR because that therapy bill is going to be substantial. The one gentleman who laughed is the only person in this entire debacle with appropriate coping mechanisms and The Court hopes he bought the house out of sheer respect for chaos. As for your seller asking about disclosure, I am going to need you to inform them that when a seven-year-old SCREAMS about a raccoon corpse in front of multiple witnesses, you don't "disclose," you simply LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR DRYER VENT HUBRIS. The Court must now adjourn because Order the Roomba has detected something under the bench and Reginald is NOT doing this again.

The Court is APOPLECTIC at this cavalcade of professional humiliation, and yet The Court must ask — why did you stand there FOUR TIMES punching in the wrong code like a desperate contestant on some sort of real estate game show where the prize is sunstroke and shame? This Court has seen many things in its years on the bench, including the landmark case of Lockbox v. Basic Communication Skills (2019), but NEVER has Reginald witnessed such a spectacular chain of failure that wasn't even the defendant's fault, which somehow makes it WORSE. The shirtless neighbor — and The Court has OPINIONS about shirtless neighbors, having once been asked to leave a community pool for "rendering unsolicited verdicts on cannonball form" — this man provided more disclosure in ninety seconds than most listing agents provide in their entire careers, and your buyers ATE IT UP like it was gospel from a sunburned oracle. "Forgot to update the system lol" — LOL? This Court does not LOL, this Court does not EVEN CHUCKLE, this Court's Roomba bailiff Order just crashed into the bench in solidarity with your suffering. You will show that house Saturday, you will NOT be sick, and you will bring the neighbor a shirt as a hostile witness preparation gift. THE COURT HAS SPOKEN AND MUST NOW GO WATER ITS GAVEL COLLECTION.