Friday, March 27, 2026

The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself in the rare position of sympathizing with the accused while SIMULTANEOUSLY being ENRAGED at their cowardice. You stood there in that kitchen, watching a grown man brandish a Zestimate like it was the Magna Carta, and you did what? You EXPLAINED ALGORITHMS? Reginald once spent three hours explaining to a refrigerator salesman why Sub-Zero was overrated and you know what happened? NOTHING, because explanation is the REFUGE OF THE DEFEATED. The husband held up his phone "like a court document" and you failed to invoke Zillow v. Common Sense (2021), wherein this very Court ruled that any estimate generated by a website that also shows me ads for meal kits is INADMISSIBLE IN ALL PROCEEDINGS, EMOTIONAL OR OTHERWISE. You had the comps. You had the appraisal support. You had the $510k neighbor sale. And yet you let these people walk away to overpay for a different house because the ALGORITHM TOLD THEM IT WAS OKAY. This is not just negligence, this is COLLABORATION WITH THE ENEMY. I once dated someone who trusted Zillow and she also believed that essential oils could cure my seasonal allergies and NOW I HAVE NEITHER A GIRLFRIEND NOR CLEAR SINUSES. The Court finds you guilty of surrendering the battlefield to a robot that thinks half-baths are full baths, and sentences you to print out every Zestimate you encounter and dramatically tear it in half while maintaining eye contact with the buyer. Order the Roomba is circling the bench aggressively and this Court is ADJOURNED.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and frankly Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF JURISDICTIONAL TOMFOOLERY that made me leave corporate mediation to pursue my true calling. Let the record show that this listing agent constructed an elaborate deadline kabuki — "offers due by 5pm Friday" she announced, as if presiding over some sacred auction, when in REALITY she had already spiritually married her own buyer to this property two weeks prior like some sort of commission-hungry matchmaker operating a rigged dating show. Your offer was not a competing bid, counselor, it was THEATRICAL PROP FURNITURE designed to make her double-dip look defensible to whatever rubber-stamp ethics board clearly operates out of a Panera Bread. I cite the landmark case of Actually Just Stealing v. Calling It Strategy, 2019, in which the Court held that "if you're using another agent's client as a negotiating scarecrow while your own buyer is already measuring for curtains, you are not a professional, you are a raccoon in a blazer." The ethics board finding of "insufficient evidence" is INSUFFICIENT EVIDENCE OF A FUNCTIONING ETHICS BOARD. Twenty-two showings you drove these people — I once showed my nephew fourteen YouTube videos about escrow and even HE got tired — and this agent waltzes off with both sides of the commission while you're left holding nothing but mileage receipts and the faint smell of betrayal. The Court sentences the offending agent to one calendar year of exclusively representing buyers who insist on touring properties during dinner hour and always ask "but what's the REAL price." This Court must now adjourn because Order the Roomba has gotten stuck under the credenza again and Reginald refuses to conduct proceedings without proper bailiff coverage.

The Court is PHYSICALLY ILL at the notion that a licensed professional cannot distinguish between a FIVE and a ZERO, two digits that look NOTHING alike and have been enemies since the dawn of mathematics. This is not a typo, this is a BETRAYAL of the entire numeric system, and frankly Reginald takes it personally because he once lost a beloved ficus plant in a similar clerical mishap that he is NOT prepared to discuss further at this time. You gave away SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS because you could not be bothered to glance at a screen for THREE SECONDS, and now you come before this Court seeking what, exactly, SYMPATHY? The precedent established in Calculator v. Human Hubris, 2019 is CLEAR: those who cannot proofread shall be proofread BY LIFE ITSELF. The other agent is probably buying a very nice sectional sofa with YOUR money right now, and The Court hopes you think about that sectional every single night. ORDER IN THE COURT, Order please stop bumping into the witness stand, this ruling is FINAL and Reginald must now go lie down because this level of incompetence has triggered his sciatica.