Monday, March 30, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly, Reginald needs a moment. You stood there — YOU STOOD THERE — while two grown adults negotiated a nearly half-million dollar transaction based on the FEVER DREAMS of a server farm that has never once touched a doorknob or smelled a basement. The Zestimate changed thirty thousand dollars in six weeks and your response was to just... facilitate? To nod along while the listing agent spoke of algorithmic updates like she was reading scripture? This is not real estate, this is astrology for people with good credit. And THEN — oh, THEN — the buyer's father calls asking you to lobby Zillow like it's a zoning board with a tip jar, and you said you'd LOOK INTO IT? The Court once dated a woman who believed her Fitbit was sentencing her to walks and even SHE would have drawn a line here. You are an accessory to mass hallucination. Per Redfin v. Basic Object Permanence (2022), the value of a home is not determined by whichever screenshot someone pulled up most recently. The Court is going to go lie down now because this profession is UNWELL.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the audacity on display here. A thirty-four-year-old daughter who did not know the house was being sold? Reginald's own daughter is thirty-one and she knows when I change brands of paper towel, because she has EYES and AWARENESS OF HER SURROUNDINGS. This is clearly a case of Multigenerational Fixture Attachment Disorder, first identified in Henderson v. That Ceiling Fan I Hate, 2019, wherein the Court ruled that adults who suddenly remember sentimental value three days before closing are entitled to NOTHING but a pamphlet on emotional regulation. The built-in bookshelf defense is PARTICULARLY offensive to this Court because everyone knows a bookshelf bolted to studs becomes REAL PROPERTY, this is not ambiguous, this is not up for debate, I once failed to recover my own spice rack in a divorce because of this EXACT PRINCIPLE and I have never emotionally recovered. Six hundred dollars for a two hundred dollar chandelier that is NOW SITTING IN A GARAGE like some kind of brass-plated orphan is the sort of outcome that makes The Court want to retire to a houseboat where fixtures are BOLTED DOWN BY NECESSITY. The daughter should be charged separately but she is outside this Court's jurisdiction, which is a MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE that Reginald will be writing strongly worded letters about. VERDICT RENDERED, The Court must now go lie down.

The Court has seen many things in its distinguished career, including a man try to hide a load-bearing wall removal with strategically placed ferns, but THIS, this is a masterwork of preventable catastrophe. Ninety dollars. NINETY DOLLARS. Reginald once spent more than that on a gavel holster he never used, and yet here we are, an eight hundred and forty thousand dollar sale executed by a child who simply decided to SPEAK TRUTH TO POWER in the middle of a basement. The sellers knew about that sink. The Court KNOWS they knew, because children do not invent plumbing knowledge for entertainment, they absorb it through years of being told stop running the washing machine while I am showering, and then they DEPLOY it at the worst possible moment like tiny agents of chaos sent by the universe to punish the unprepared. You should have asked about that utility sink. You should have asked about EVERY sink. The Court once demanded a full accounting of all water-adjacent fixtures before purchasing a decorative fountain from a estate sale, and that fountain STILL betrayed Reginald, but that is neither here nor there. The buyers did not lose trust, counselor, they gained CLARITY, and clarity in real estate is the enemy of closings. Two mortgages now. Two. The sellers are living in the financial equivalent of that two-inch puddle, and it is spreading. This Court finds you guilty not of causing the leak but of failing to anticipate that a twelve-year-old with nothing to lose would become the most honest person in the room, and THAT, counselor, is on you.